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JAPrufrock

Rude to have other plans after a first date?

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So, I mentioned in my communication thread that we're meeting a couple on Saturday. This means the house party (which has grown to 57 signups, 76 people in total) is out, since driving distance wise, it wouldn't work. But, Mr. Prufrock and I aren't about to waste an evening out, should the drinks with this couple not go well. Is it rude to have secondary plans? We want to do something, even if it's just playing with only each other in a semi-private room.

 

Both the couple and us have a no/rarely play on the first meet rule, so Mr. Prufrock and I were planning on going to a club after our meeting (unless it goes well and we end up talking late into the night.)

 

Also, Princeton is having a black dress party that night. I have this kick-ass black dress that I look fantastic in, if I don't say so myself. But it's a little dressy (I'm wearing it in my album pics it has this gorgeous lace detail.) I don't want to show up overdressed to this meeting, but I'm not sure I want to tell them why I'm wearing that "hey we want to play with each other after we meet with you guys, so we're going to Princeton!"

 

I suppose I could always change at the club, or just not dress for the theme, but I feel like I look so good in it!

 

So I shall defer to the good advice you all give: is it rude to have plans for after the meet? Should we tell the other couple about these plans or keep it to ourselves?

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LOL because the Mrs. and I have had this discussion many a time - in fact we are meeting a new couple Friday and were wondering the same thing. We usually default to the "How would we feel in the reverse" mantra - honestly we know our weekend time is limited and as a result we try to maximize it as much as possible, so we tend to make additional plans if we have the babysitting coverage and are meeting a couple for the first time (it's not always swing related plans, it could be just plans to go dancing or drinking etc). If a couple had other plans, I think we'd like to know, but wouldn't necessarily look at it as rude that they didn't tell us. You could mention the plans to attend an event afterwards to the couple in the case where you hit it off and then that helps prolong the date; and even if not, I'm sure if they have kids themselves they will understand the concept of wanting to get the most of a rare date night (esp. a first meet when you have no sense of how it will go). I'd be interested to hear how other people deal with it because there is always a little guilt on our part when we do! :blush:

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I don't think it's illogical to have plans after meeting for drinks. I think it's a good idea to have multiple contingency plans. For example, if drinks go well, you have the option to take it further and have dinner together (or some other activity). Or if it doesn't go well, then you have the club to go to.

 

Concerning the dress...dress how ever you want! I often "over dress" when we go out but it doesn't bother me because I dress that way because I want to dress that way for myself and Mr. Sun.

 

I'm glad you posted this question because we tend to do it backwards, I think. We always go out to dinner--just us--and then we use swinging as the "dessert" portion of the evening. We either plan to meet a couple for drinks afterwards (or even after a movie) or skip the movie and go to a party. But we're always flexible in our plans.

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I'm so glad we're not the only ones thinking this! I was worried I was being neurotic. They had actually considered going to the same house party we were going to go to. We joked about the number of people and agreed we'd rather meet up for drinks.

 

So I'm not sure how to bring up the plans to go to the club without A)offending them or B) leading them to think we expect to play with them. The only conclusion I came to was to just not mention the other plans.

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Concerning the dress...dress how ever you want! I often "over dress" when we go out but it doesn't bother me because I dress that way because I want to dress that way for myself and Mr. Sun.

 

I'm glad you posted this question because we tend to do it backwards, I think. We always go out to dinner--just us--and then we use swinging as the "dessert" portion of the evening. We either plan to meet a couple for drinks afterwards (or even after a movie) or skip the movie and go to a party. But we're always flexible in our plans.

 

See, the last couple I overdressed for, and I think I made the other wife feel bad. She wasn't dressed like a slob by any means, but I was a little... sexier, I guess (which is funny because hardly any skin was showing.) It was just kinda awkward.

 

I love the idea of swinging as dessert! We are flexible, the club isn't set in stone, and who knows, if things Really go well, they may want to come with us.

 

Wouldn't it be funny if they had the same idea and both couples end up at the club? Although it wouldn't be so funny if we didn't end up liking each other.

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I wouldn't mention going to the club unless both you and Mr. JAPru are able to confirm with each other (if you two can have some alone time after meeting the couple to talk or have a signal that each of you can do with each other to say "yes" or "no") that you both are interested in the couple and that you both are open to playing with them at the club. If there isn't even any remote chance of playing with anyone that night no matter how much you two connect with them, then just have drinks, don't mention the club, then head to the club after meeting them.

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Sun's advice is solid. Don't mention the club unless you want to go with them after drinks. It's fine to plan to go after meeting them with or without them. You can do a quick bathroom text or just go to the bathroom at the same time and talk in the hall before inviting them. Game it out ahead so it's basically I like them let's go or not happening now. That way you're only gone a minute. If either one is unsure, wrap it up and go to the club yourselves or keep hanging out and skip the club.

 

You might give them a chance to talk privately after inviting them, if you decide to. Say you're going to car to call the sitter to check in (close your tab first, haha) and you'll be back to see what they are up for.

 

We had a similar situation a few years ago. I made a thread called something like "Were we dicks?" after. So you can probably guess things didn't go well.

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So every time we have gone out to meet someone we have also had alternate plans. Basically we have a baby sitter, and we are not going to let them interfere with our night. More than once the alternate plans are the ones we went with. Our take on meeting another couple is they are along for our ride, but we just can't go too far out of our way for them. Frankly we get blown off so much we really don't count on anybody showing anymore.

 

We also tell them if we are going to the club afterward. What happens if you both see each other there? We also meet couples for the first time at the club. Just because you are at a swing club doesn't mean you have to play with them. Sigh, we have definitely walked away from a few.

 

In fact we do pretty regularly do a 'vanilla' event in the early evening and a swing event later. Sometimes is has just been all vanilla, like going to a movie, or a drink just the two of us.

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I always thought having a Plan B was kind of the standard for a first meet. We'd have to play it by ear, depending on the personalities of the couples we're meeting, but we probably wouldn't be shy about making it known that, if things don't seem to click for everyone, we had discussed going out to dinner, a movie or a club or something. If another couple put that out there to us, we wouldn't be offended; we'd actually consider it a good sign that a) they aren't pushy or goal-oriented, and b) they truly enjoy one another's company, and we are simply their dessert. To us, it's just a sign that they're balanced about it. Then again, if the couple is so uptight you could, as Ferris Beuller put it, put a lump of coal up their asses and have a diamond in a week, we probably wouldn't say too much about our plans.

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