Not sure where to start

Hi,

I became interested in swinging after some attractive neighbors (two m/f couples) who are in the lifestyle began flirting with me. However, they strung me along and wanted me to meet up without my husband, which isn't going to happen. I was supposed to be a "band-aid" in a poly relationship since the sex between them stopped over a year ago due to one man not getting action....it was lopsided.

So, the idea of sex with other couple(s) has piqued my curiosity as my sex drive is through the roof in my late thirties. My husband is interested too. The concern that I have is meeting at a swing club and having anonymous sex. Yes, it sounds hot, but I liked that fact that I know these couples and our kids have played together, etc. No, we weren't at all friends and they've kept me at arms length in the past, so I thought sex would be safe emotionally from them. I'm NOT good at recruiting people I know in person, but would like there to be a connection with the couple we swing with, but don't need/want it to be poly.

Suggestions on how we find what we're looking for? TIA.

Hello, Arwen- welcome to SwingersBoard!

The kind of relationships you are looking for- friends with benefits, not totally anonymous hook-ups and not polyamorous partnerships, is what many, many people seek in the lifestyle. And I'm here to tell you that you CAN find just what you want!

We have had most of our play time with people we are friends with, or at least have had dinner and enough conversation with to be sure we like them with their clothes on! We enjoy the sex more with people we've developed a connection with- the sexual chemistry for us develops from getting to know a couple. That's not to say that we haven't had one or two anonymous romps, but they were not nearly as much fun as the more uninhibited, comfortable, intense, look-straight-in-the-eyes-while-cumming sex we have with our close friends!

I understand your concern about meeting people at a club. When you meet people at the club, you of course are under absolutely no obligation to play with them. Most people will understand if you say that you want to get to know people a little before playing with them. But the environment does seem more conducive to the kind of semi-anonymous sex you expressed concern about- at least until you've been to the club enough times that you know everybody there already.

We prefer to meet new people couple-to-couple, over dinner or drinks. That way, we can get to know them in an atmosphere that is more conducive to conversation. We get a chance to know what they're about, and then see if some chemistry develops.

If you haven't already done so, I recommend putting a profile upon one or more of the lifestyle "dating" sites, like swinglifestyle.com (SLS), altplayground.net (APG), Kasidie.com, or others. Be aware that different sites might have more members in your area than others, and I don't know what site(s) are more popular in Michigan. Anyway, spend some time writing a good profile that is interesting and/or funny to read, and shows people what you two are like as well as what kind of swinger friends you're looking for. Include a few nice pictures of yourself so folks can see who you are (if you feel funny about having pics with your face in a publicly-accessible site, put the face pics in a private or locked gallery, and show those to individual couples only when you are comfortable).

Good luck, keep talking to each other, and have fun!

Welcome to the board! I second what CoupleinMD79 said! Just be aware that finding a 4-way attraction can be frustrating, as I'm finding out If you're looking for the friends with benefits approach, it will take longer then anonymous sex, but from what I understand, it is well worth the wait.

Oh, and I think you're smart for not playing with your neighbors. I'm not really all that familiar with poly, but it doesn't sound like their situation is one you want to entangle yourself in, and if it ends badly, you still have to interact with them more than you would other people.

We think that while some people have successfully played with friends and neighbors, the chances of too much drama are just too high. What happens if the relationship goes bad? You can lose your friends but an even greater risk is that they start telling everyone else about what happened. The risk/reward here is just too great for us. The people you have mentioned already sound like they are having problems and I wouldn't want to get wrapped up in pre-existing problems.

Get a profile and make some new friends...with benefits! It may take some time (finding 4 way chemistry isn't easy) but the results are worth it. Also, meeting people for the first time (we usually do this over dinner) knowing that there is a chance of seeing them naked, is very sexually exciting and fun. Even if you meet another couple that you don't have that spark with, it's still fun knowing that you are all looking for the same thing...like sharing a secret.

Good luck and as previously stated, have fun!

There are two red flags here. As mentioned, the first one is they are just too entwined in your regular lives. If something goes bad there, then that is very likely to bleed into your regular lives. Most swingers feel more comfortable maintaining a firm line of separation between the two, and I think that's wise.

Second red flag is they wanted you without your husband. That alone suggest their is drama looming ahead, which goes back to point #1. Do you want that in the middle of your life just down the street and 24/7?

If you don't like the idea of swingers clubs, then why don't you try putting up a profile on one of the online sites like swinglifestyle? You can work on finding compatible couples through there and develop a level of friendship with them before moving toward the playtime. Plenty of people are more comfortable with the "friends first" variety of swinging, and the online sites are the best way to make that happen without having to involve your existing vanilla friends and acquaintances.

Well, this usually applies to relationships at work, but is probably even more applicable in your case...

"Don't shit where you sleep..."

There is no way I would play with a co-worker let alone a neighbor. Odds are better than not that they are not your soulmate and at some point the arrangement/relationship will quite likely go south. That may sound pessimistic, but I prefer to think of it as pragmatic. Kids are friends? Next door? Lord, the potential for a nightmare is screaming at you!

Look, my ex-wife destroyed our neighborhood when she chose to be unfaithful with my best friend and next door neighbor. The fallout not only wrecked our marriage, but theirs, my kids, their kids, and at least 2 other families in the neighborhood. Her propensity for making bad decisions has yet to abate, but that one in particular continues to have repercussions... and she still lives next to them... what a disaster!

So, if I can influence just one person on this board, let it be you... Just Say No!

GaSH

One of our first experiences was with a neighbor. We had a party at the house and after a couple of hours a game of strip poker broke out with him and his girlfriend. She ended up going home to bed leaving just him and us. We were all naked, I was drunk and he had a big dick - nuff said. We played for hours and it was amazing. The next weekend we ended up fucking again and it became apparent that he liked the fact that his cock was a lot bigger than my husbands and that I really got off on him. It got very weird very fast so we had to cut things off. He lived there for a year and it sucked. I’d avoid the neighbor scene unless it’s very special.