So lost on how to act

I am male and have been researching the LS. It is something that in all probability I will be interested in but not sure about my wife. Since I am inexperienced and very very shy I have done all of my internet research and had an opportunity to attend a LS "convention" to see first hand some interaction. I attended as a single male for no other purpose than to observe since my wife was not with me.

It was a very very interesting experience and not one I would have expected. The people were very open and friendly but I did not have a chance to talk or get to know anyone. I was in an awkward position but I did learn and observe. The age of the group was older than I expected which is good since I am in my 50's. I noticed how much the couples appeared to really care for each other. Lots of hand holding and loving pecks on the cheek during seminars and non-party time. Most of the people seemed to already know a lot of other people which makes it difficult for a new person or couple to break in....especially if one is shy.

It would horrify me to unknowingly do something unacceptable which made me even more reserved than normal. In this situation how would one go about getting in and getting to know someone? I found three ladies very very interesting and wanted to do nothing but give them a compliment but wasn't sure that was appropriate. In the vanilla world no one would probably pay very close attention to them but to me that had that exact quality that really "spoke" to me. Standing at the clothing-optional pool party one female had breasts that, although not magazine great, were real world hot. Another female had very small breasts and a curvy body with large toned thighs. Just my cup of tea. My type of package. I would not expect either of these 30 year old ladies to be overrun with compliments because they were not magazine model material but were real. Wanted them to know how I felt. Would it have been appropriate to say that to them and NOT expect anything in return? I wanted to say it because to me they were just that hot.

During the evening party there was a lady who was late 30's, early 40's who was dressed rather conservatively for an event like this. She was in a nice black dress that was not too short and revealing but just perfect for going out on the town. She just oozed class the way she was dressed. It was interesting that she chose to wear very skimpy flat flat flat sandals. Just perfect. Not a fan of high heels...especially when the woman cannot walk gracefully in them. As I kept passing here in the public spaces I wanted to tell her how great she looked in the flats. Appropriate and how?

Lastly, not being around a lot of the dressing, or lack thereof as the case may be, I wanted to look and stare. That after all is why they didn't wear anything right? Wanted look at the exposed breasts, the see-through dresses to determine if they had underwear on, etc. How appropriate is staring from a distance? Obviously it would be rude under any circumstances to stare while talking with them. Basically, is it acceptable to "check the girls out" when you pass them in the hall, are waking behind them with their amazing butts exposed, or when they are standing in a group of people next to you?

To finish, I want to behave and be the perfect gentleman. In the vanilla world I know what is acceptable and not. In the LS world, which obviously is much more open and sexual, what becomes appropriate? If I attend more of these and get used to the hot sights around me will it be easier not to want to stare and honestly gawk?

I see that you are new to Swingersboard so the first thing I want to say is WELCOME.

If you paid your way into a convention and asked no questions, then you did, indeed, miss an opportunity. I would recommend a direct and earnest approach in asking questions. Say that you are a married man and you are curious about swing. Be ready to answer questions like "why is your wife not here with you" and answer honestly. Don't start a conversation with anything awkward like, "you've got nice tits.

May I ask, why was your wife not with you? And maybe another, if I may. Was she aware that you were at a swingers' convention?

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I did miss an opportunity but I wouldn't have understood what I wanted to get out of it if I hadn't experienced what did. I

You may ask any questions you like. I appreciate your help in understanding this.

My wife was not with me for two reasons. One was it was tacked onto the end of a business trip so I didn't have any travel expenses. It was only for 1 day of the 3 day convention so I could slip it in without bringing a lot of attention from work mates as well. Two is she is not ready to go even for observatory purposes. She is still willing to discuss but not really into serious consideration of the LS yet. We discussed in particular me finding out more so I took the opportunity I had. Who knows if what you read on the Internet is factual.

At this time she was not aware of my attendance. We are just starting to get to discussing our sex issues after 22 years of marriage and it is still a little difficult to put everything out on the table without some knowledge. Porn and church have so misinformed us that I am just now starting to understand what normal is. We have a lot of love and trust in each other and our marriage counselor wonders what we are doing there since we don't have the normal problems that bring people in. At this point I felt it more prudent not to think I was pushing her and I had an opportunity to just check out the scene. It was a very enlightening experience and definitely not what I expected. In some ways much better, but in others not sure that I could ever participate but fun to just people watch. Crowd was not as "pretty" as I expected... just you normal everyday slice of life. The marketing photos of all the "pretty" people don't tell the real story and it was a lot more comfortable because of it.

I would not ever be able to start off a conversation with "you've got nice tits" even when true. My mind is crude but I don't want anyone else to know that! LOL! I just want to understand is it ever appropriate to compliment someone at a LS convention on that subject when they are clearly trying to show off the goods with the clothing or lack thereof. Also, it kind of hard not to believe crude is bad when you can go in a room to watch people fuck. I just don't want to make too big of a jackass out of myself. I already understand that single males are looked at with a lot of skepticism and add too that the fact that my wife was not with me makes me look even more suspicious.

Again, I was not there to play (and would not have if I had been approached) and want to be as respectful to everyone as possible... without looking like a prude. In one program there was a live demonstration of squirting using an audience volunteer. She specifically said that she wanted to face away from the audience because she "didn't want everyone to see her vagina". That struck me as juxtaposed... having people watch you squirt in a non medical scenario but using such proper language.

On a side note, I used to belong to an organization that had a lot of quarterly conventions. We had a program for first time attendees to help them feel more comfortable with the "rules" and to identify them to the experienced members to help draw them into the activities instead of inadvertently leaving them out by concentrating on the group they already know. Wish there had been something like that and I could have had the opportunity to directly ask these questions during the day there.

Again... Thanks for your reply. Can you fill in some of the gaps about the looking and staring? I just need someone who can give guidance and answer questions. I have never been good at stepping out into the total unknown... I need to have same "safe" way to gain knowledge.

One of the things I like to say about this site is that it's a place to get safe, sane, and friendly advice about swinging, so you've come to the right place. I've enjoyed reading the detailed account of where you are at in swinging and what your perceptions have been as someone stepping from the outside to the inside for the first time. It is kind of a different world, yet familiar all the same since most of the people in it are regular people just like you, which surprises most people just like it did you.

Looking and staring. I think the simple answer there is ok to look, not ok to stare. Everybody enjoys people watching and the sights and scenes around them. As you say, sometimes that's the whole point, to be seen. But, when seeing crosses over into the creepy zone by making someone uncomfortable by staring at them, then that's not a good thing.

But, when seeing crosses over into the creepy zone by making someone uncomfortable by staring at them, then that's not a good thing.

Thank you for the reply. And I can promise I understand creepy and don't plan to go there. It's just that I look and when they are only 3 feet from you you just keep looking back. I am one of those guys who has to really concentrate to keep eye contact instead of booby contact! LOL. It always embarrasses me when I get caught looking at someone yet I know what it is for, a flattery and flirtation and I should pause just for a moment then look away.

Hello Mbgdallas, and welcome to SwingersBoard!

One thing you could have done, by way of plunging in, would have been to air your questions to some of the folks at the convention, just as you are doing with us. Find a couple with one of those women you were tempted to stare at, screw up your courage, and walk up and introduce yourself. "Hi, I'm Mike. I'm new to all this, and here to learn how everything works. I wanted to compliment your wife on how beautiful she is, but wasn't sure how to say it respectfully." I don't think most couples would be offended by an approach like that! People appreciate honesty and openness, especially people in the lifestyle.

Also along the lines of openness, I also think it would be a good idea to fill your wife in about your going to this convention, and make sure she is aware and concurs before any future explorations. I understand that it is a delicate balancing act to discuss swinging with her, before you feel that you know enough to talk about it much. But if you put yourself in her shoes, she might feel a little funny about your going to this convention without telling her. Why not start your swinging journey by setting a precedent of totally open communication between you? I think that most couples in the lifestyle have more open communication between them than the average married couple, because that level of communication is necessary to make sure that everyone is happy and enjoying their journey, and that no issues are creeping into the relationship. And I think that has a lot to do with why you found the swinger couples to be so affectionate with each other!

Good luck in your explorations together!

Thanks for the advice. I will find a big screw for my courage. Hearing from somebody who knows how most in the LS think is a big relief and helpful.

We will probably have the discussion tomorrow.

Thanks for the advice. I will find a big screw for my courage. Hearing from somebody who knows how most in the LS think is a big relief and helpful.

 

We will probably have the discussion tomorrow.

Excellent!! Please come back to let us know how it goes

OK, I'm cool with all of what you've said and I'm cool with you. I appreciate very much the background information that you have provided. I believe that you are on the right track.

Thank you for your kind words.

SW_PA_Couple. I sent you a PM.

Update.

The mrs and I had 2 discussions yesterday about the LS and my attendance at the convention. The final outcome was she had no problem with me attending alone as long as I did not participate. That was a given in my mind anyway. She is open to attending an event to learn and observe with the anticipation that she wouldn't want to play... whether that be with another couple or just ourselves in a "public" place.

Hi, Mbgdallas. Would your wife be interested in visiting this website so she can read through which ever threads she is interested in?

That is going to be the next step in moving forward. Right now she wants to focus on what she perceives may be small cracks in our relationship and get those fixed. I agree with her that we need to make sure we don't have any issues that we may be aware or feel we have that can be magnified by the LS. When we are ready I think she will be on here learning just as I am. I just have the lead right now since it is my suggestion.

Who knows. This may not be right for her even if I want to try. If that is the case I walk away because I love her and only her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. Pushing is not worth the risk to the relationship. Opening up ideas for discussion definitely are.

...and this IS a relationship magnifier. If there are cracks, perceived or otherwise, fix them first. Then work on communication, trust and love. Then maybe think about proceeding forward.