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squrl78

We are new with so many questions!

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We are new to this whole thing. Well, let me start even before that. Last summer I had an affair with a much younger woman. I was found out by my wife after a crazy turn of events. We have attended marriage counseling and have since been on the right track. We have mended our marriage and she has forgiven me. During our counseling I committed 100% to our marriage.

 

We have also open up the lines of communication. I have told her many things I have never told anyone else; including my first wife. I told her I have always been interested in swinging since my teen years, and had a bad experience with a mfm situation in high school that soured me on the idea for a long time.

 

During my interpersonal reflection I have realized that it wasn't the situation, but the players involved.

 

But back to the point. So during our opening of communication I told her I was interested in swinging and it was probably stemming from childhood trauma. That I need over stimulation sexully. She was shocked and hurt to learn this part of me she never knew. I couldn't quite explain to her why in her words, "why am I not enough for you?"

 

I later found the words. I told her, you are enough for me. I am not looking for an emotional experience. You are my wife. I want that with you. It's just the physical act and the overstimulation. She could start to see what I was saying.

 

Now to the present. She has warmed up to the idea a bit. And we have even been out to a local strip/swingers club a few times. She enjoys others watching us have sex. And in fantasy land she enjoys talking and role playing as if we were with others. We have joined a couple sites and forums to find out if this is really for us or her.

 

She is concerned and has a lot of questions about everything involved. One of her main concerns is that she will have jealousy pop up during the act. This is not something I can really honestly answer for her.

 

So after my novel of a post. I am asking for any advice you could give us on this matter. Or anything I may not have considered. We are both in this together no matter the outcome. Including this account. So she and I will see any responses; good or bad. So please help us out. Thank you.

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First off, welcome to the Swinger Board, we're glad to have you hear with us. Your honesty is commendable, and was a necessary step to begin putting the pieces back together and be stronger for it.

 

This site is a great place to learn about all aspects of swinging, so we hope you both will spend some time reading and posting here and talking together about what you've read. Any questions you or she have, just ask them, and there will be plenty of people willing to share their advice and perspective. It doesn't matter if they have been asked before, each person comes at things from a slightly different angle so there is always room for more.

 

I'm not a good person to comment on jealousy because it's not something I have struggled with in life on anything, including swinging. I think that is kind of the key though, as long as it is at the level where you control it, and not it controlling you, then even if someone does feel some on occasion, it's not anything to worry about. It's there, you feel it, you control it, and you move past it.

 

I always advise to take small steps in swinging, and that approach can be applied here too. You say you both enjoy having sex in front of others, which I'm assuming was sort of a group play room kind of thing. How has she felt when she senses a woman's attention focused on you during that? If she's not having a problem with that, then maybe next move to less of a group thing and more two couples having sex in front of each other where it's almost certain that you will be receiving some directed attention focused on you from the other female. If she is ok with that, then next move to soft swap, where the attention becomes more physical but doesn't go as far as intercourse. If she still finds that manageable, then it's time to consider full swap if you both want to go there.

 

Take it step by step and keep the lines of communication open along the way, and you'll find the level that is right for both of you.

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. . . So after my novel of a post. I am asking for any advice you could give us on this matter. Or anything I may not have considered. We are both in this together no matter the outcome. Including this account. So she and I will see any responses; good or bad. So please help us out. Thank you S & V.
I see that you are new to Swingersboard so, first and foremost, I extend a warm welcome. I hope you find it all as valuable as I have.

 

Just this. If your wife has any reason for getting into swing activity, it should be more than just to please you. She should have her own reasons.

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I agree with you 100%. I have not pushed her in any way. I know that will not work out in the end. We have commented a lot about this very thing. I don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to. That will have long lasting ramifications. She is opening up to the idea as time passes. She has also open up to me that she may be interested in girls a little. Maybe as a curiosity or something more. She isn't really sure yet. I know we have a long way to go yet. But we are communicating more than ever before. Even on every day things. So if nothing ever comes of it, just the discussion and understanding of what would be needed has helped our marriage a lot.

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Communication improvement is the best bonus of swinging!! The sex isn't bad either :) Welcome to the forum.

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One thing she can do to check her jealousy level is fantasize about you with another women while masturbating. We all have material in our "spank bank". Ask her to add a scene where you guys are with another couple, and she sees you with another woman. Visualizing it may help her decide her comfort level.

 

If you do meet another couple and decide to mess around, go very slowly. Do what is called a soft swap, where there is no penetrative sex, just oral, kissing and fondling. This way she can pull the plug if she gets jealous and nobody has had actual sex yet.

 

If you do decide to swing, do not mention your infidelity to other couples. Cheating makes people question the stability of your relationship. And swingers do NOT want to harm anyone's relationship. The cheating also implies your using swinging as a means to cheat and get away with it. Ideally swinging happens because the couple is happy, stable and love the other person so much they are willing to share them, to share in that pleasure with others.

 

To me, jealousy happens for two reasons. First, they assume monogomy and love are inseparable. This is not true. I love my wife more than my next breath but also love seeing her being pleasured by others. Monogomy isn't proof you love someone, the proof lay in how you treat your SO on a daily basis.

 

The second reason jealousy occurs is insecurity. You are scared to death they will think the other person is better and leave you. This is why the relationship has to be rock solid in order to swing. You KNOW your spouse won't leave. Once you are sure of that, you actually HOPE the other person is better than you. Because you want your spouse to experience the best others have to offer. Rather than being insecure about your partner getting plowed like a field, your happy they could experience such extacy.

 

Sorry for the long post, but jealousy is a tricky subject. It absolutely will happen, but be emotionally mature enough to figure out why it's happening.

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Personally, I don't think you are both ready yet...not from what you have said. As Sw Pa Couple said, she should want this as well, not just because you want it. If she isn't interested for herself, then it WILL NOT WORK. We have met couples in the past where the woman was 'just going along' thinking the man would eventually 'get over it' and move on. Thing is, the man then thinks that she is also interested and wants to do it more. This always ends up badly. You still need to work on your trust and communication before even considering moving forward. I can't see her being okay with this yet. You CHEATED on her last year and now you are trying to get permission on doing it again...only with her knowledge about what is going on. Unless she is on board because this is something that is interesting and exciting for her too, I am inclined to say that this is not a good idea for you right now. I would love to hear her perspective...

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Hello, I'm the other half. Thank you all for your input. Here is some of my background. I'm almost 40 yrs old and this is my first marriage. I had a bad traumatic sexual experience when I was 17 which my husband knows about. I have always had trust issues. I have also always had jelousy issues. We have been together for 8 years and married for 4. I went into a very bad deep depression for a little over a year and our marriage was struggling because of it. I was getting better then found out about the affair. We went to a wonderful marriage counselor and are back on the right track. I love my husband and he loves me. I'm glad we were able to get past that part of our lives. I like going to the strip club and having sex in front of people and know that people are watching us but after reading some input I don't thing our marriage is strong enough to swing yet. We are strong just not that strong. Thank you all for your help on our questions. You have really helped a lot. I told my husband this and he said ok, no problem. Maybe we will meet some of you down the road some time.

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Mrs. squrl78, I'm so glad that you have come here and shared your side as well as read what has been written. I hope that from here on out, the communication between you two continues to strengthen and that you continue to heal from your traumatic experience as well.

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Thank you for coming back and following up to share your personal perspective. One thing I concluded from what we read on this site when we were first starting out is if you take the right approach to swinging, then the right answer is almost sure to present itself at the right time. It sounds like that has once more held to be true, and the right answer for this time has presented itself to you both. That answer may change with time, but if that is what your head and heart is telling you now, then that is what you need to do I think.

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Mrs. squrl78: Thanks for coming and sharing your side. I think you are both making the right decision (at this time). We wish you both the best...and hope you still hang around.

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We are new to this whole thing.

 

But back to the point. So during our opening of communication I told her I was interested in swinging and it was probably stemming from childhood trauma. That I need over stimulation sexully. She was shocked and hurt to learn this part of me she never knew. I couldn't quite explain to her, why in her words, " why am I not enough for you?"

 

I later found the words. I told her, you are enough for me. I am not looking for an emotional experience. You are my wife. I want that with you. It's just the physical act and the over stimulation. She could start to see what I was saying.

 

 

 

She is concerned and has a lot of questions about everything involved. One of her main concerns is that she will have jealousy pop up during the act. This is not something I can really honestly answer for her.

 

 

I'm glad your communicating well and giving careful consideration to swinging.

 

One thing I wanted to bring up is your feeling that your desire to swing is a result of childhood trauma. While we are shaped by our childhoods, research on kink has shown that there is no correlation between trauma and desire for kink. I suspect the same is true for swinging. I think it is healthier to own your desires rather than trying to pin them on some past event or individual. It's something you may want to consider as you go forward.

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One thing I wanted to bring up is your feeling that your desire to swing is a result of childhood trauma. While we are shaped by our childhoods, research on kink has shown that there is no correlation between trauma and desire for kink....

I know this is an old post but can you direct me to that research?.....Thanks!

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I know this is an old post but can you direct me to that research?.....Thanks!

 

If you take a look at the book "Swinging in America" they included research on this and found that there was no more issues of psychologuical issues or past trauma in the swing community than there is in the general population.

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