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satiromode

My sexual life needs help! Is swinging what I need?

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Hello everyone!

 

I am married but it is already four years since my wife lost her interest in sex at all (apparently). On the other hand, I am young and full of body energy to share. I am also naturally interested on exploring/studying the orgasm; for me it is very healthy and stabilizing thing and I love to give pleasure to another person.

 

We are separated in fact but living together. I dream about sparking her desire and going back again to what used to be a very hot couple, tide by tongue as we were called before, but not sure if it is possible and now I am already desperate, becoming addicted to porn.

 

I think this sad end is the result of following a counter natural model of marriage. I want to explore what are my real desires without any barriers.

 

I wonder if swinging lifestyle would help me on this. I wonder if, now being a married but single, I would find partners for my explorations, and how and where. And I wonder if I will be able to bring my wife to this lifestyle as well so she can also enjoy and we start having happy lives again.

 

Any kind of advice is welcome.

 

Thanks!!

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First, welcome to this forum and thanks for posting such a personal question. The membership here is a helpful bunch of friendly people and there's a lot of information here about swinging and relationships in general.

 

Swinging alone while married, you are unlikely to find others who will accept you without your wife. Swingers hold tight to the sanctity of honesty in marriage and basically you'd be lying to your wife - cheating.

 

It is often said that swinging won't fix a broken relationship, it only magnifies problems and serves to drive a wedge between couples who are already in trouble. There's nothing wrong with discussing it with her, but it doesn't sound like this is the right time to bring up sex with others. I'd recommend finding the spark between you again and getting your relationship on solid ground before considering it at all.

 

Have you talked to her to explain how you feel - that you want the excitement between you back and you want to try to make your marriage work??

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Do you have any idea why she has lost interest in sex? Has she talked to her physician about it to make sure there is no underlying health issue that could be causing the drop in libido?

 

If any medical reason has been ruled out, then have you two considered relationship counseling? You mention you are separated, which suggests there were issues with the relationship outside of sex. If that's true, then until those issues are worked out between the two of you, I don't see any way for you to be swinging together since swinging requires there to be a very strong bond and great communication skills.

 

Angelkin is correct. Swinging as a single male is always tough, and that's for true singles. Married guys trying to swing single is something swinger couples are always on the lookout for to start with, and they are experts at detecting any sort of deception. Even if you are totally honest about your status and why that is, most couples will just take a pass on you since they don't want to get involved in any drama. There are lots of single guys out there for them to choose from, so most will just move onto the next one if they have any doubts at all.

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I think you need to be honest and tell her your frustrations that way she will understand and open herself up to the possibilities

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To add to the post above about medical reasons: any chance she is using birth control? In our case MsDiscover's libido went from zero to hundred at once when she stopped taking bc based on hormones.

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Which is not a problem in itself, I know a 100% asexual couple and they are doing fine.

 

But it is if there is a huge difference in libido between partners as it is hard for both sides to meet in the middle. Especially when the partner with the largest libido wants to even expand the sexlife more, e.g. with swinging. That even widens the gap. And that is also the reason I don't think introducing swinging to Ms. Satiromode will help.

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The first thing you need to do is talk to your partner and be honest. The first rule of swinging is communication, communication, communication!!! She may choose to open up about where she is in the relationship in which case you can go from there. I wouldn't suggest any types of extra curricular activities untill you have all the facts though doing so might push her further away, you will have to judge that one! You should be honest with her however about how you feel.

 

Swinging requires a partner. Most couples are very good a detecting if there's a real connection between the couple sitting opposite them on a date. And like Cplnuswing said, singles that are really married don't get much of look in. If she's really not into fixing or working on the intimacies of the relationship, if she's really 'done' then you can start the proccess of deciding what you want to do but in that case swinging is not going to solve your problem. I've seen many people on this board write that the 'in sickness and in health' 'for better for worse' means more to them than sex. Your porn addiction is not helping you, Relieving you maybe but if she knows about it which she probably does then that's another reason on top of how she feels for her to keep her distance. Maybe she feels like you are turning your back instead on helping her work the problem. (i'm assuming alot i Know but maybe some of what I have written may shed some light)

 

It's a tough one but you will only know the way yourself if you communicate. She could surprise you...How old is she? Have you talked to her about her lack of interest over the past 4 years that you've been 'seperated'? Why do you think she has lost interest?

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You're separated in fact but living together? I sense there is much more to your story than sex or lack thereof. Do you and your wife maintain an active social life? Do all family members sit at the table most evenings for dinner?

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Swinging (and relationships in general) require three things: love, trust and communication. Just because communication is listed last, doesn't make it the least important but the opposite. It is the MOST important part of a relationship. TALK to her. Since you are already 'separated', you have nothing to lose. Just sit down with her and ask what (in her eyes) went wrong. Hear her out and don't interrupt her. Don't try placing blame or anything else, just gather information and (if you want to try and reconcile) then ask if there is anything that can be done to turn this all around. Swinging WILL NOT save this. In order for most couples to be able to swing, the relationship already has to be VERY strong and secure. Swinging can improve a great relationship, but it will destroy a weak one.

 

If you want to save your relationship, work on love, trust and communication but DON"T think about swinging as an option until the relationship is 100%...

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Are you separated enough that women you meet can drop by or call you cuz you are married legally but allowed to and encourage each other to date and play with others?

 

Go on a vanilla date and see how the separated wife takes it.

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First of all. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

 

I came here trusting that swingers community are the most honest and healthy people concerning sex and couple.

Thank you because you had really reply to me with a lot of love and a lot of assumptions heheheh.

 

Ok, first of all, I have been talking to her sincerelly, clear, looking to the eyes, sometimes angry but the most of the times in peace, since 2011 when our child was born. We have had a complicated life, I dont want to minimize anyone's story but ours had been really hard, full of migrations and other external conditioning that would put any person on a bad state of nerves. We had talk about it a lot. I allways tried to find solutions and crazy ideas to have fun with her. She allways answers, I am under stress, I am tired, I feel I don't want sex anymore in life, on the other hand, I catch her few times watching porn (unfortunatelly never on the right moment) and also catch her flirting, or letting other people to tell her really nasty things while enjoy it, if you add this to the fact that she had never told me something similar to a solution, that is very clear to me. I think we are still living together because I am a big fan of her and she just needs me because I am useful and there is no other secure ground around. Believe me, I was applying for the world awards for Blue Prince. I was seriously into that ideology, trying to be the perfect man. Now I realized that I dont want to do it anymore because it makes you feel like a stupid.

I dont think the lack of sex is connected with any physical health problem, of course, we depend on perception and everything is on mind. As a grown man, even when it is very paiful to me, I must asume that love is the one that went away on this marriage. We both made mistakes at the beggining so trust started to be affected, we still have comunication, very clear and mature I must said and yes, she wont let me have a date in peace, but it is not that I want to cheat, is just that I feel we are not couple anymore and I have the right of meeting anyone. Of course, this is the part that not only swingers are avoiding. Sentimental dramas are really dangerous...

 

She doesn't want to find a solution, till today she didn't bring one single idea to the center. It doesn't make her a bad person, I love her and it is very human, we were grown on societies where catholic ideology did a lot of damage to our education, but the real things comes out from life, I don't blame her but I am having a very hard time. I know swinging wont solve my relation, this is not what I am looking for (I WISH!). I dont think is gonna happen. I just need to find my own way to be happy so guys, thank you very much for trying to do the right thing! I love to see that you all go inmediately to the light, that makes me love this comunity now. I will try to replace porno by reading ;)

 

I just want to have a partner I can totally trust, so we can even share our fantasies and taboos, that way I will know that I have a partner for life, for those days when sex is not needed anymore.

 

My relation is lost. I am the first one sorry about this. Now, do you think I need to present a divorce receipt? hehehehehe (joking)

What do I need to do in order to meet healthy minded people like you guys?

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OK...That's a real shame.

 

Firstly I will say that none of us ever really know the way and all of us are just winging it, walking the tight rope, tied to one another. Marriages change and evolve, I remember years ago being in a place of disconnect for a number of years when me children were infants. I look back and shudder. we were not the same people and it was not the same marriage as it is now...This might turn out ok sometime in the future. That's up to you to decide whether you care to invest until then. Otherwise... I would not be so available to her. Go out, enjoy life, be spontaneous and build your confidence, make new friends. There's nothing more attractive than a confident, happy guy that is out of reach. My best friend said to me once 'don't be so predictable, he needs to wonder where you are and what you're doing sometimes and she was right.

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