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kvboo

Attraction to the other couple

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We've recently decided to start looking for another couple for same room sex. We posted an ad on Craigslist and have gotten some replies back.

 

Out of all the couples I would say I was only attracted to 2 of them, and one wanted full swap even though we stated no swapping so that went nowhere quick. The other couple never got back to us after I sent them our picture.

 

I'm unsure if we're just being too selective on what we expect and are making it harder on ourselves because of that? We were also told by the couple that wanted full swap that those in the lifestyle only want full swap and it would be hard to find others that just want same room sex. I know this may be true but I'm pretty sure that somebody is out there.

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Firstly, Craigslist isn't the best place to look. I don't know much about looking for people online, preferring clubs myself, but I know that.

 

Secondly, no you're not being too selective. You're being as selective as is comfortable for you. The bad news is it is actually hard to find a couple where there is a mutual attraction and shared level of interest. That doesn't mean it's impossible. That just means it won't happen quickly. It take time, work and a bit of luck. This is true regardless of what your limits and criteria are (believe me, it's even hard to find people for a "taking all comers" gangbang).

 

Thirdly, and this is important, it is false to say people in the lifestyle only want full swap. That is a couple (more likely a guy) trying to pressure you into going outside your comfort zone and that is a major red flag. There are plenty of people who enjoy same room sex. Furthermore, anyone worth hooking up with will respect and abide by your limits. If they don't, you shouldn't be playing with them.

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If you are serious about finding someone online, then sign up for SLS or one of the personal ad sites and ditch the Craigslist. Yes, some people have had success with Craigslist, but it makes something that is difficult to start with even that much harder due to the increased number of fakes, etc. on a totally open platform like that.

 

What you have experienced so far is typical. As I said, it's difficult to find compatible couples online. We have met some great people online, but it just takes some work and patience to find that good match.

 

What you were told about the "only" full swap is incorrect. Yes, the majority of swingers are looking for full swap, but there are plenty that are looking for soft swap too. On the online sites like SLS, you can filter your search to show only those interested in certain things, certain age groups, etc. That is another reason those sites are a much more useful tool than Craigslist.

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That is a couple (more likely a guy) trying to pressure you into going outside your comfort zone and that is a major red flag.

 

I totally agree with this.

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If you choose the SLS route, pony up and become a paid member. It will give you access to additional features and some credibility.

 

Never ever be pressured by others into violating your approach and your boundaries. Rest assured that there are always others in the LS who share similar if not identical perspectives. Make your preferences and perspectives simple and unambiguous, such as "we're new and we're limiting ourselves to same room, soft swap". It avoids misconceptions and potential drama. Some of the more experienced couples will pass you by as a matter of choice. Others will not. But everyone will know what to expect before making contact.

 

Good luck.

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Lionheart, you've been on fire lately!

 

Where we live, CL is a dead end (I have heard from others that in other areas it works). Most postings are fakes, picture collectors, or men posing as a couple. Join SLS and set up a profile. Instead of looking in a small pond, you will find that there are LOTS of others looking for exactly what you are looking for. BE selective, it's okay. Don't be in a rush to do anything. Take your time and eventually you will find what you are looking for. The problem is it will take some time and effort on your part. Remember how hard is was to find your SO? Well this is the same...times three. You have to find two other people who not only interest you, but you have to interest them as well. Don't take it personally if a couple you really like doesn't like you back. While it can be difficult to find another couple you 'click' with, eventually you can find another couple...and it's REALLY GREAT when you do. Good luck, let us know how things are going, and feel free to ask more questions.

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We started out on CL and as others said plenty of fakes there. Even the couple we finally met, we thought were fakes until we did meet them. We sent our picture to way too many people. We learned that anyone who sends only nudes or sex shots are phonies. If they are real they have a normal couples picture. We were never able to find what we originally wanted, a single woman. If you are looking just to have sex in the same room as another couple, you are most likely looking for a new couple to the LS. SLS may be better or going to a club where you can watch and be watched. We did find that some couples say they are looking for one thing but ending wanting more.

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Thank you for the replies and advice. The couple that wanted full swap sent me a few texts saying that they never did say they wouldn't do same room sex but in actuality when I came out and asked them she said we'll take it slow with you with some winks. They also sent a text saying that with swinging they think you should just jump in and do it and see if you sink or swim. Me and my husband ended up having a disagreement about that comment and him saying he thinks we should just get it over and do full swap instead of starting at same room which was what we both talked about and agreed to. Right now I'm unsure and don't know or believe what he says he wants since I confronted him and asked him about where him wanting to go from zero to 100 came from. He says that he felt since they came along why not just jump in and have fun and see if we like it. So right now something that was supposed to be fun seems more like it's causing issues.

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That's unfortunate, because you're right, this is supposed to be something that is fun. Having said that though, I'll add that in reality it is something that is supposed to be fun when you add up the running score, not that there won't be some ups and downs to it. Swinging is a serious thing, and it elicits all sorts of powerful emotions and feelings. When they are good feelings, that power is great, but when they are bad feelings, it makes them even worse. Especially when starting out, there will be some bumps in the road.

 

I don't think it's uncommon at all to want to start with soft swap. That was our initial intent too. When all was said and done, that's not how it worked out, but that was by mutual agreement and if there had been any resistance from either of us then we would have defaulted back to the initial plan. One of the Cardinal Rules of Swinging is to go at the pace of the slowest person. Getting away from that rule can cause issues, as you are experiencing. The best thing to do is to just take a step back, really talk to each other in a non-confrontational way to see where the other is coming from and why, and then go with the slowest approach. One may ask "so why even talk if you know you are going to stick with slowest approach?" It's because open communication is an absolute must with swinging, and everyone needs to feel that they had a chance to express their feelings even if you end up taking another path.

 

You will run into this a lot - there will be couples you meet where one of you is interested and the other not as much, there will be things one of you wants to do and the other feels is a bridge too far, and so on. On all of those, when someone feels like they can't openly express their feelings on the subject, no matter what the final decision is, then that will cause problems. Successful swinging couples have perfected that skill - each always having the opportunity to have their say, but not holding grudges when they don't always get what they wanted. That skill is something that is very useful in your relationship outside of swinging too, and speaking personally, that is something we definitely improved at once we started swinging.

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Swinging is a serious thing, and it elicits all sorts of powerful emotions and feelings. When they are good feelings, that power is great, but when they are bad feelings, it makes them even worse.

 

One of the Cardinal Rules of Swinging is to go at the pace of the slowest person. Getting away from that rule can cause issues, as you are experiencing. One may ask "so why even talk if you know you are going to stick with slowest approach?" It's because open communication is an absolute must with swinging, and everyone needs to feel that they had a chance to express their feelings even if you end up taking another path.

 

Successful swinging couples have perfected that skill - each always having the opportunity to have their say, but not holding grudges when they don't always get what they wanted. That skill is something that is very useful in your relationship outside of swinging too, and speaking personally, that is something we definitely improved at once we started swinging.

 

Nailed it!

 

Sometimes moving at the pace of the slowest member can make others impatient, but BE PATIENT, this is not a race. Enjoy ALL of the experiences and just take your time and things will eventually fall together to where everyone is happy. Forcing things will only create problems. Ask your husband, does he REALLY want you to do something you don't want to or are not ready to do yet? I don't think he really does, he's just excited at the prospects and so he is impatient. This is something that the two of you does TOGETHER, at the some time. If he is running ahead of you, you are no longer together in this. Let him know that as long as you stay together you will get to where you want to be with each other. There should never be any pressure or expectations, just the two of you together enjoying some new experiences.

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Keep trying. Try different sites. There are people out there just like you. Understand that in some peoples opinion same room sex is just a warm up to a full swap.

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I can add from my very limited personal experience that finding compatible couples can be a challenge. It is hard finding a four way connection. (My ugly mug probably doesn't help, ha). I personally would not lower or change what I am looking for in order to jump in the pool. To me that seems like a possible recipe for disaster. That is about all I can add!

 

MrMarvin

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Personally speaking I have jumped in the pool... I was where you are, thinking about it, discussing it, slowly opening myself up to the possibilty... and then jumped too soon, too far just because I didn;t want to be the slowest person. Go as slow as you need to go and be ok with it. It will bite you on the ass if you are not totally on the same page. As a result of my leaps of faith I took a huge step back from swinging, the LS, connection with my husband, it shook me, I felt worhtless and all the things that I don't want to feel it was a horrible time... happily we have used that time to rebuild that connection and go back to the start comminication communication, communication! Now i'm where you are again and I will not bend on what i'm not comfortable with.

 

I am the slowest person and i'm ok with that.

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kvboo, welcome to the world of swinging!

 

As others have said, swinging requires open, honest communication between the two of you. Swinging can be a bit of a high-wire act emotionally- after all, we are talking about sharing ourselves with people other than our spouse, and the notion of separating sex and love does not come easily to most people. Give each other permission to have doubts, change your mind, and be irrational- and to express all those feelings (and any others you have) openly and without fear of rejection from your spouse. If you are feeling a little hurt and betrayed by your husband's change of approach, concerned about trusting his judgement on this, then tell him so! I really believe that swinger couples argue just like everybody else, but they are better at it- because they start with an assumption of good will from their partner, they genuinely listen to each other, and ultimately respect each other enough to work through the inevitable bumps in the road together.

 

You two need to be open to expanding beyond your comfort zones if you want to do this, but that has to be a choice that you both are comfortable with at each and every step. Working at the pace of the slower person is the best way to ensure that everybody comes away enjoying the experience. If it's not a fun adventure for both of you, then it's not good for your relationship with each other.

 

Speaking about Web sites... We have had good success finding other couples on SLS (swinglifestyle.com), and also more recently on APG (altplayground.net).

 

One note about terminology. I'm going into detail about this because it's important to make sure you have no unwelcome surprises during an encounter with another couple. Some people here have referred to the activity that you are interested in as "soft swap". But in my experience, soft swap activity goes somewhat beyond what you have said you want to do. I think I understand that you want same-room sex, with your spouse, while the other couple has sex with each other in the room. Basically you are looking to watch and be watched while having sex, but without any sexual contact between the two couples. But I think most people's definition of soft swap would include some kind of sexual contact between the couples, but stopping short of intercourse. That could range anywhere from the other guy reaching over to play with your breasts while your husband is fucking you, to mutual oral sex or masturbation with the other couple's partner and bringing each other to orgasm. So you will want to be very clear with a prospective play couple as to what you do and do not want to do. The thing I think you want to try is what I would call "same room, no swap" sex.

 

So, how likely are you to find other couples who are interested in same room, no swap fun? Well, it may take some searching, to be honest. There certainly is a mix of couples out there, but I imagine that most couples are interested in some level of swapping (soft to full). But while you two should keep an open mind to expanding your boundaries, you should also stick to your guns, and not let yourselves get pushed into more than you're ready for.

 

Maybe you would like to consider another option- something other than meeting a couple "one on one" to dip your toes in the water. If you can find a swinger's club near you, consider going there sometime. You may be able to find a room there where you can have sex together while others watch. Or, there may be a "group room" where you can find many couples all having sex in the same room- you could have your naughty fun with each other in there, and simply decline if anybody asks you to join them.

 

I'm glad you are considering entering into the lifestyle. For couples who are solid and communicate well, it can be an exciting adventure that brings them closer together. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you two keep talking and have fun together!

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That's were we started...same room sex, no cross contact. It is possible to find another couple, but usually they will also be someone new and you need to be particular here because of potential drama.

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