My husband can't make me orgasm. I'm worried I'll be embarrassed of him.

OK so a bit of a different situation here.

To be perfectly clear I love my husband like no man I have ever loved before. We have been together for five years and are a perfect fit in every way including our desire for sex and making love. He is the love of my life and wouldn't trade him for anything. BUT he has never once been able to provide me with an orgasm. It is not a health or psychological issue on my part. I have had many men prior to him who could push my buttons to the moon and back It is very hard to explain but there is just something about his “style” (or the lack of it for a better word) that just doesn't do it for me. He tends to be clumsy, inconsistent, and doesn't really pay attention to cues or even when I say to him “Yes do it like that, keep it right there, don't stop”, he just keeps doing his own thing. I know it's not the best thing but I have gotten very good at faking it since we have met and yes, he thinks he is doing a great job. I know many of you will tell me that I should discuss this with him and let him know. Trust me, I started out the entire first year of our relationship doing just that. But after time I got to the point that it really did not matter to me anymore. Sex and making love to me are two different things. We make love daily, often twice daily and I am more than happy to pleasure myself to make up for that one lost aspect. It has no affect on me or our marriage. I am 100% satisfied with things the way that they are with him.

Here, though, is my problem which is preventing me from wanting to swing. My husband really wants to but my only hesitation is that I am afraid I might be embarrassed to share him with another woman for fear that the result will be the same for her. Everyone seems to brag about and be happy about sharing their amazingly skilled lovers; but knowing that my husband has not even once brought me to orgasm makes me assume that this will be true for most others he will be with. I am trying to get past the potential embarrassement issue I have so we can try this, as I would like to as well. But I have a hard time with the thought of being in the same room with the other woman either during or afterward and wonder if she thinking he wasn't all that great. I can't imagine that every encounter ends in orgasm and sometimes it's just about flirting etc...but he is 100% interested in full/same room swap. I realize he may have the ability to “do it” for others but in the back of my mind I am unsure. He had many and I mean MANY girlfriends prior to me that didn't last long at all. I've always wondered if lot of that had to do with his lack of performance, because other than that he is a 100% keeper! How do I get past not worrying about the other woman, what she may be thinking and just worry about my side of things. Please know that I feel HORRIBLE that I even think I might feel embarrassed about the one I love the most in the entire world. This is something I would NEVER tell him. However, in our discussions in talking about considering swinging, I did feel him out and asked him, " do you worry about pleasing someone you just met, not knowing what it is she may like". His response was, "no I have never had a problem like that before".

What to do, what to do??

You're right, it's a different situation. It might be the hardest conversation possible, but I think you owe it to youself, your husband, and your marriage to have an honest conversation with him - swinging aside.

In regard to swinging, he may not have an issue bringing another woman to orgasm as the act of swinging is exciting in itself. There's a dirty taboo secret factor to it that turns many women on. Of course attentiveness and skills play a factor, but swinging is just damn sexy so long as the parties are attracted to one another. I wouldn't let his lack of skills be concern for embarrassment in swapping.

Hi and thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. But as I said earlier " I started out the entire first year of our relationship doing just that. But after time I got to the point that it really did not matter to me anymore." I am 100% fine with the way things are and don't want to rock a boat that is already sailing smoothly. If I were unhappy, trust me I would bring it up again!

Thanks for your advice on the swinging aspect. For some odd reason I feel responsible for her outcome........go figure! LOL

Ok as a male I can tell you he really wants you to cum. For god sakes you need to learn tact (don't give up on talking!!!, you didn't give up on your marriage!!!). Stroke that male ego, he wants to be a woman pleaser then play on that. Tell him that the strokes that you like, other women love and they have multiple orgasms and squirt and they want more when he changes or stops. Don't be cruel, be nice and tell him he almost made you cum and if he would try a little harder then he can make two women cum at the same time or maybe three. Tell him it's the woman slayer stroke and the other strokes are lesser and undesirable!!!!!! He is your husband why tell total strangers but you "feel like you can't tell your soulmate?" I bet he know secrets that nobody else knows soooo stop being scared and fix this small kink in your marriage. Tell him use the toys on you, tell him where it feels good. When he hits the spot don't fake!!!!! Tell him to take breaks and drink orange juice. You'll be cumming all over your hubby's manhood and he will be ready to please others. Last but not least, full swap same room means he sees and hears the other guy's "work". You can't fake real ...stroke his ego now or kill it in full swap situation. Truth is truth no matter how much it hurts ...

As many people here have experienced: swinging is a magnifying glass. All little things that can be overcome in a relationship, can grow into bigger obstacles when swinging. It really puts the spotlight on what was shoved under the carpet.

And that is the reason I too urge you to talk again about this. How you feel unsure about his performance. Because if you are not and start swinging, you both will have a conversation about it in the end, no matter what. But with lots more emotions.

The biggest risk I see, based on you story, is how you are going to feel if he easily gets off other women.

The biggest possible win I see, is how he will learn from these other women and you can benefit from his new knowledge.

But you have to take care of your risks first I think, so having that talk is something I recommend too.

I think you may be overthinking this a bit. Every swing experience is not guaranteed to be out of this world fantastic, in fact most aren't. Everyone is different and the way the parts fit together is different, so it never goes as smoothly as it does with your spouse with whom you have had sex with many, many times. What I'm getting at is in this case, that might be a good thing. When being with someone new, you can't just put it on remote control through sheer muscle memory brought about through repetition, you have to really focus on what you are doing and reading the feedback, either stated or subtle, not only for it to be good for them but for it to be good for you too. He'll have to do that, or it will get frustrating for him when he can't even keep it in her.

While there is the physically awkward factor with someone new, that is offset by the excitement factor as others have mentioned. It's when you find your groove together with someone, and have that excitement factor, that is when it can be really, really good. That just doesn't happen every time though.

Whenever we play, we always compare notes with each other afterwards, because it's fun What we really liked, what we thought was hot, what we didn't like as much, what our playmates did or didn't do that was different than what we do, etc. It's not meant to be critical, and it's not, it's really just reliving the excitement of the whole thing but there is a lot to be learned there too. You may find that helps things a lot with him, and with yourself too, when it comes to getting more in sync with each other.

In my opinion, this is a recipe for disaster. You are hiding something big and important from your husband. He either doesn't care about your pleasure or is completely inept. Neither of those are good for successful swinging.

What happens when you meet someone who can make you come for real? Do you think your fake coming will be evident? How will you feel? Will you pile on more deception ("You're still the best lover?")?

What if he can make other girls come? What if he can't?

It just doesn't bode well to start swinging with this deception going on.

I think if you are honest, and take some time together to improve your sex, then it might be a good time to move on to swinging.

Conversely, be honest, that you aren't coming with him and use swinging to learn. Maybe you learn new ways to come, maybe he learns new ways to pleasure or to be more receptive to direction.

Right now, as is swinging probably isn't the best move.

Sounds frustrating!

As women it's our job to find out what does it for us and then teach him how to give it too us. Have you thought about letting him watch when you pleasure yourself? I would start there before invovling anyone else.

Most of the guys I've been with in swinging situations did NOT get me off. But, I had fun and they had fun and all was good. That said, I'm with other comments in that the biggest risk you face is that he WILL get someone else off and you'll be left jealous and hurt.

I was thinking about this. Since you've been together so long anyway, and he doesn't really get it, why not 'fake it'. I mean who's it going to hurt, your kind lying to him by omission anyway. This way he feels great about the whole thing, and you can move on free from worry?

meh...just a thought.

If you can handle someone else getting off from him or faking it (you won't know which), don't sweat it. Maybe he will get 'em off and maybe he won't. Sometimes I get off and sometimes I don't.

that's life