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curious/scared

How to overcome my reservations about swinging?

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I am new here and have done some searching, however I can't find what I am looking for.

 

The Mr. and I have done some extensive talking about moving forward into the lifestyle, which I am all for, but have some reservations. Previous in our marriage we were having some communication issues which lead to an affair on his part. For the most part I have been able to forgive him but the more we talk about moving forward with this, the more reservations I have. I am wondering if the feelings of jealousy and reserve are normal. Is there any advice some more experienced have that they would be willing to share? This lifestyle is very much something I want to experience with the Mr., but don't want to have a disaster in the end.

 

Thanks.

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Why swinging? I'm not asking so as to disapprove but so I can understand how/why you've gone from an affair to contemplating recreational sex. It might well make a difference in the responses you get.

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I am new here and have done some searching, however I can't find what I am looking for.

The Mr. and I have done some extensive talking about moving forward into the lifestyle, which I am all for, but have some reservations. Previous in our marriage we were having some communication issues which lead to an affair on his part. For the most part I have been able to forgive him but the more we talk about moving forward with this, the more reservations I have. I am wondering if the feelings of jealousy and reserve are normal. Is there any advice some more experienced have that they would be willing to share? This lifestyle is very much something I want to experience with the Mr., but don't want to have a disaster in the end.

 

Thanks

curious/scared. :confused:

 

In addition to Maui's question, I wonder what communication issues lead to the affair and how they've been resolved?

 

I think setting boundaries and taking baby steps will probably be the best way to go if you decide together you really want this.

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This is something we had talked about prior to the event. For the most part I have forgave the actions, but still have some trust issues. Basically we were like two people living together but had seperate lives. There was a lot of stress due to work and drama from people outside the home. Since then we have made a huge effort on being very open. We are able to talk about everything now. So I believe the comunication has been resolved. As to the work and people outside the home, we moved out of state, so that is no longer an issue. As for the intrest in swinging, it has been something we have talked about pretty extensively. It is something that has been nagging me more and more. And I think this is more something I am interested in than him. I hope that explains a bit more about my situation.

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Having jealousy and reservations about the LS is normal. Some people are more jealous than others. And jealousy can be an umbrella that actually can cover a bevy of feelings like insecurity (in self, partner, relationship, etc.), the feeling of loss of control, possessiveness, fear of being alone, etc. As many of the other more experienced forum members have said, swinging is not for everyone. Some people can learn to get past their jealousy and rid themselves of those feelings and some cannot. For myself, I found it to be a mindset. I had to educate myself on what those feelings were doing to myself, my spouse, and our relationship. I had to learn to open my mind to new thoughts and ideas and how to feel. Read, talk to your spouse, research some more, talk some more and do baby steps if you two decide you are ready. Best of luck!

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I am wondering if the feelings of jealousy and reserve are normal.

 

Yes. You are normal. It can be uncomfortable to watch someone you love having great sex with someone else. I wasn't prepared to watch them kissing very passionately. My wife fell in love with the first man I talked her into having sex with. Things worked out between us in the end but great sex can bring out strong emotions. As a man I can separate sex from love treating the experience kind of like a workout or sport but women tend to be more emotional and romantic (In my opinion). I have known women who like to fuck for sport and those experiences for me were always the best. I think it depends if you are the kind of woman who likes to "make love" or fuck.

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Some feelings of jealousy are pretty common even among couples where there hasn't been past indiscretion. But, given your history I would say that your worries and fears are very understandable, so yes you are normal. The key here is that you both feel you have really worked through the past issues and that your communication is absolutely everything it can be. I would also caution that this needs to be something that you both really want to do. You said that you want it more than he does, can you share more about that?

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For many of us the lifestyle is a journey. It is not uncommon to have emotional surprises as your venture goes forward. Using the swiming pool analogy, it is often suggested that the best approach is to move slowly starting in the shallow end and moving to the deep end instead of jumping into the deep end. Because no one can accurately anticipate how they will react to any given situation, I think it is crucial that either party can call a halt at any time. In a case like yours, it is particularly important that both of you agree to stop and backup if either of you become too uncomfortable.

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There isn't much I can add here that hasn't already been said. But as someone who lept in at the deep end so as to speak (and is now on a self-imposed break from the LS), I can say from my experience of things that it is very normal and common for a lot of couples to ride a rollercoaster of emotions, reservations, strong feelings as well as miscommunications or many a lengthy conversations to be had. But as long as you both want to do this, you are both on the same page with your rules and boundaries as well as how you want to move forward with the LS, then go for it. As long as you both know when enough is enough, just as you know how far you want to progress, that comes down to knowing yourself as well as your partner well. The rest will come in time and with experience and using your intuition or gut feeling, there is still much to learn and enjoy. Good luck to you both - I hope you get enjoy all you seek. :-)

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You've gotten some pretty good advice and not sure how much more I can offer that hasn't already been touched upon...but I will say this:

 

IF you BOTH agree and want to explore this TOGETHER then you will open your lives to wonderful sex, amazing friendships, and above all else an unquenchable love and understanding for each other. Exploring sex without true limitations and boundaries with someone you love is an amazingly wonderful and beautiful thing that can and will only bond you tighter, closer, and better. That doesn't mean swinging is your avenue, or at least at this time. You may want to explore toys and other mutually agreed upon fun times and forgive me if I've over stepped my bounds here as I know not of what you have tried or done.

 

With all that said...you both MUST agree on the rules and regs BEFORE you endeavor such as 'safe words' which are the ALL STOP words, also make sure you have both totally gotten in the mood to have an event which means talk in depth clothed or naked, naked usually is better. Be explicit when discussing! Trust me the first time I heard my ex-wife say to a guy "OMG fuck me harder!" and "your cock is so thick!" I could have crawled out of my skin so be VERY open and expressive now, then, and AFTERWARDS. And above ALL else start out slow!!! I had a couple tell me they worked into swinging like getting into a cold pool...an inch at a time! I myself plunge into everything I do...sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad but that's just me.

 

So go...enjoy...maybe start with having sex in the same room as another couple or invite someone to watch you to go at it then work from there. Hell join AdultFriendFinder and send out your own video live so others can watch from a sterile environment and see how things go...just be sure to give us the time and username so we can tune in! LOL

 

Sex isn't complicated but humans muck up the works and cause all sorts of bullshit that doesn't need to be there...just because you like sex doesn't mean you love him or her any less!!!!! Now get your big girl pants on and go have fun!!!

 

Class dismissed!!!!! LOL

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