Jump to content
Mr&MrsValentine

Concerns about STD/Pregnancy

Recommended Posts

Hi all,

 

I'm sure y'all have all been asked these questions more times than you'd care to count, but here goes another one. As you may have seen from my recent intro on this board, Mr. V. and I have recently been exploring the idea of, well, exploring this lifestyle. We're both quite intrigued by the idea, but I'm having a hard time getting past the possibilities of STDs and unwanted pregnancy. Neither one of us has been active with anyone else since the mid 80s and I wasn't all that active back then. Well, at least not as active as I'm considering being now. :D And, of course, at that time STDs were something you could live with between outbreaks or get cleared up with a shot. Neither of us were in the high risk portions of society that were dealing with AIDS. So back then, STDs were a bit of a concern, but not very likely. Nowadays.... well, let's just say the world seems very different today. And as for pregnancy, I'm a smoker and in my mid-40s so the pill isn't an option. And a pregnancy would be just so unwanted that I cannot even begin to find words to describe it.

 

I've read through many of the posts about both subjects and find myself almost more confused than when I started. So I figured I'd get on here and start with some specific questions and see if I can get some more info that might calm my nerves. Here they are:

 

1) How many people do you know of that have had some form of STD or another? And, kind of as a part of this question, if you could please state about how long you've been involved in this. I don't mean to be rude but the experience someone that's been doing this for 10 years and has known X number of people with an STD will, of course, carry more weight than that of someone that's been at this for 1 year and known the same number of people with an STD.

 

2) How can you tell if someone is infected? I'm sure you can't all the time, of course. But I also am pretty sure there are people out there in the swinger population (just as in all populations) that aren't exactly the most honest and reliable people in the world. So, beyond how trustworthy they seem and so forth, are there particular things that you look for?

 

3) Where can I go for solid information (and pics if there's something I should look for) about STDs and being safe?

 

4) Beyond condoms (which I will insist upon) what are other good methods to prevent unwanted pregnancy when the pill is not an option?

 

5) Okay, truly newbie time here... not sure if I'll stick with vaginal penetration or be adventurous and try either oral or anal. But since that's a decision I may find myself with one day, I might as well ask for info now. Are condoms effective at STD prevention with anal intercourse? And what about oral? I mean, would you use a condom for oral or something else? Or can you even catch an STD through oral intercourse? See... total newb here!

 

6) Are there other questions/considerations a newbie with these concerns should be asking?

 

Like I said, I'm sure everyone can hear just how green I am, but y'all seem like a wonderful group of people to which I can express these concerns and get some experienced advice. And I know there's no magic bullet, but maybe knowledge is power and all that.

 

Thank you in advance for your time and advice.

Share this post


Link to post

I'm not going to try to answer all your questions one at a time, but we have been swinging in one form or another for over 20 years. I only know of one couple who had/got an sti, there have been a few cases of crabs that we have heard about but we haven't gotten them.

 

Of course the best way to not get knocked up is to get fixed, both the mrs and I went this route, when we decided that we were done having children. Other than that we used condoms with a spermacide. (she was on the pill too).

 

For most sti's you can't see them so there is really no way to tell, unless of course it's herpies or warts, but those don't always show either.

 

For oral we have chosen to take the risk, if it looks, smells or tastes bad don't go there! There is a risk, one thing that we do is that we don't brush our teeth or eat foods that can cause cuts in the mouth right before we play, we brush before leaving the house and use mints, or mouthwash later in the evening.

 

Condoms are fine for anal sex.

 

Most of the people we have met are very open about thier sexual health, and get tested regularly. We for instance get tested quarterly, and 2 to 3 weeks after any condom failure.

Share this post


Link to post

1) How many people do you know of that have had some form of STD or another?

 

A few but only one that counts: me.

 

2) How can you tell if someone is infected?

 

In many cases, you cannot.

 

3) Where can I go for solid information (and pics if there's something I should look for) about STDs and being safe?

 

At your primary-care or gynecological physician's office. Do not withhold questions from your family doctor. Do not withhold information about your extracurricular activities. You'll get good advice.

 

6) Are there other questions/considerations a newbie with these concerns?

 

Life has its hazards and risks. Judge for yourselves what risk is worth taking. You're at risk driving down the highway. Buckling up reduces the risk but does not guarantee safety. Using condoms is wise (so my PCP has advised me and I embrace his wisdom). But I still caught something. I survived and I continue.

Share this post


Link to post
1) How many people do you know of that have had some form of STD or another? And, kind of as a part of this question, if you could please state about how long you've been involved in this.

 

Of my own knowledge, six of us were diagnosed with herpes. It took two years and participation in a study to determine that it was a false positive for two of us, including me. That was in 2005, about 2 1/2 years after I visited my first club. I've heard rumors of both gonorrhea and multiple types of HPV, but rumors are not the same as knowing.

 

2) How can you tell if someone is infected? I'm sure you can't all the time, of course. But I also am pretty sure there are people out there in the swinger population (just as in all populations) that aren't exactly the most honest and reliable people in the world. So, beyond how trustworthy they seem and so forth, are there particular things that you look for?

 

You can't. You cannot tell by examination of the bodies of others, because asymptomatic presentations are not uncommon. Clean test results are pretty much worthless unless all involved are tested, refrain from sex outside of the group for six months and then have a clean retest. And that clean result is only good until one party has sex outside the group. Trustworthiness is also pretty much useless as even trustworthy people who are regularly tested may still contract an STI and pass it along.

 

3) Where can I go for solid information (and pics if there's something I should look for) about STDs and being safe?

 

I'm a big fan of the Centers for Disease Control.

 

4) Beyond condoms (which I will insist upon) what are other good methods to prevent unwanted pregnancy when the pill is not an option?

 

If your body will tolerate it, an IUD is your most reliable choice. However, this is a very good topic to bring up with your ob/gyn.

 

5) Okay, truly newbie time here... not sure if I'll stick with vaginal penetration or be adventurous and try either oral or anal. But since that's a decision I may find myself with one day, I might as well ask for info now. Are condoms effective at STD prevention with anal intercourse? And what about oral? I mean, would you use a condom for oral or something else? Or can you even catch an STD through oral intercourse? See... total newb here!

 

An intact condom is as effective with anal intercourse as it is with vaginal intercourse, which is to say that you are safer with one than without for things that are transmitted via bodily fluids. However, herpes is transmitted by skin contact and even without visible lesions can be passed from one person to another. STIs can be transmitted orally, which is why you'd be advised not to participate if you have any open cuts in your mouth or gums and to avoid it altogether if you have gum disease. You also should avoid flossing within 24 hours or so if you go anywhere near your gums. We do not use barriers (condoms or dental dams) for oral sex, because we engage in magical thinking, but you might want to make different choices.

Share this post


Link to post

We've been swinging a little over five years now, but we are kind of low-level on/off again swingers, so in terms of knowing people, that five years may equal one year or whatever for someone else who is more active. But, in that time for us, the answer to your question is zero.

 

There are instances for some issues where you could determine visually if someone was infected, but for everyone who is infected with anything, no. The first case is almost so unlikely to encounter that I think it is safe to say the overall answer is no, you can't tell.

 

All sorts of good info out there on the web if you stick to the reputable sites. CDC, etc. A google search should give you all the info you want.

 

Pregnancy has not been an issue for us other than when we very first started, and then she relied on the same method as had been using before (pill) and since condoms were being used also for swinging, felt about as comfortable about that as one could be. Talk to your Dr.

 

I think all good science does point towards condoms being effective at reducing the risk with anal intercourse. As for oral, it is something we have chosen to not be concerned with. Choosing not to worry about it doesn't mean we are closing our eyes to reality, it just means we have evaluated the risk and it is something we are ok with.

 

The key word in that last paragraph and that really applies to the whole issue is "reducing". There are no absolutes. You have to determine what level of risk you are comfortable with, and go from there. As others have pointed out, nearly all things in life bring some level of risk with them. You evaluate it, find your comfort zone, and decide how to proceed staying within that zone. For us, being on the lookout for any obvious signs of infection (for what that is worth), always using condoms for intercourse, and perhaps most importantly, making a sense of trust in how responsible a person they are part of how you choose playmates, and we feel the risk is within the acceptable range.

Share this post


Link to post

Fifteen years ago when I was just out of college, I was diagnosed with chlamydia and got treated for it. I never had any symptoms, so I still don't know when I got it or from whom. I had both protected and unprotected sex in the years before that. It's impossible to know. I can tell you that it is very awkward to try to call previous partners about it.

 

Don't let anyone try to talk you out of using condoms. Reducing your risk is the name of the game. Limiting play to partners that you trust keeps you even safer.

 

Realistically, it's very unlikely that anything besides HIV will cause major health problems. Even genital herpes is usually just an occasional annoyance to those who have it, although it is permanent. Our best knowledge is that HPV creates a small, long-term risk if you were infected before the age of around 30. After that it's not a major issue. And if you're well past 30, then it probably won't matter. All of the other STIs are treatable and temporary.

Share this post


Link to post

2.5 years here and we've not to our knowledge known anyone who contracted anything, including us. We're a condom only couple and do not use them for oral, just intercourse. Like others have said, we acknowledge the risk of unprotescted oral sex, but are willing to take it.

Share this post


Link to post

Thanks everyone for your replies. Mr. V tends to agree that it's a common-sense and risk-management thing. I still worry but then again, I worry about everything so that's not all that unusual. But having the specifics in your replies has helped with discussion points between us. Thanks again for the great information and your patience with newbies. :-)

Share this post


Link to post

I'll see if I can answer your questions to best of my ability. The problem with STDs is that most people who have them don't even know they are infected. That said, beyond AIDs most still fall into the categories you mentioned earlier.... easy to clear up or a lifetime annoyance. You are no more likely to get any STD from swinging than you were when you were single. That said, the risk of STD is there and it is something you have to come to terms with before you choose to swing. There is no 100% sure way to avoid them. There is no way to know for sure if someone else has one. Even STD tests are not worth the paper they are printed on (they are good only at the time the test is run ... so they are invalid by the time you get the results). In some cases, they are invalid even at the time they are run as some can not be detected until they are in your system x days or unless you are having an active outbreak. As for the pregnancy risk, I would suggest you look into other methods of birth control (IUD, etc) as an option. But, I would also highly suggest that you make sure you are both using condoms if you choose to have sex with others. This (along with wisely choosing your partners) will be the best way to avoid both the STDs and pregnancy (of course, they aren't sure-proof).

 

1. I've been doing this for over 15 years. In that time I've encountered 2 couples that I know had some sort of STD (because the told me). I'm sure there were others that either a) didn't know or b) weren't telling.

 

2. For the most part, you can't. However, (and I believe this is a method most brothels use) you can examine their genitals. If you see things that don't look right... abort. If they aren't clean... abort. Both are signs that they may have something. Personally, if a person isn't clean down there that's enough for me... who wants that. ick.

 

3. Check the CDC website for the most up to date info on STD rates, signs, symptoms, etc.

 

4. Don't have sex. But seriously, how do you avoid pregnancy with your husband? The same methods should work for others. As I mentioned before there are other contraceptive devices that you can use as a smoker. Talk to your Gyno about what is available and whether or not they are an option for you.

 

5. Yes, you can catch an STD/STI via oral and anal. However, (from what I understand) the risk is less. That said, I've never encountered anyone who actually uses condoms for oral. You'll likely get a debate over whether or not there is more risk doing anal than vaginal. I'm not a Dr so I really can't say and won't try to. I, personally, choose not to do anal during swinging but that's just because it's not my thing.

 

There are tons of questions/ concerns that newbies should have and should be asking. I'd suggest that you take a look through the archives, starting with "Getting Started". You'll find many questions answered there that you didn't know you had. Make sure that as you read, the two of you discuss what you read and talk about what you are comfortable with and how you feel about different issues or questions that come up. Reading posts from others will likely bring up more questions of your own, and please don't hesitate to ask them.

Share this post


Link to post

Single digit yrs , off/on ( not presently ), as far as we knew no one . Used condoms for intercourse. We did once play with a cpl that used condoms for oral. We knew going in , and agreed, and were good sports during playtime. But it was so less than satisfactory , that I made my mind up to never do so again. I would cheerfully participate in a hand job instead.

 

As mentioned above risks can be reduced, but anything sexual has some slight degree of background risk. Abstence has its own health risks. Crossing the street , or rideing in a motor vehicle have risks.

 

There is no way of having meaningful dtatbases , but it has frequently been mentioned over the years that contact with swingers is safer than interacting with random vanilla single people.

Share this post


Link to post

Just wanted to pop in and thank everyone again for your responses. We're still in the talking/thinking about it phase of things, but I (Mrs) am feeling more comfortable the more I think about it. Mr. V was wonderfully sweet the other night (as he always is) and reminded me that even if we do get pregnant, nothing says we have to raise the child. There are so many people out there that want babies that we could be a hero to someone. Now don't get me wrong... I'm not looking to be someone's hero! LOL But it does feel good to have thought through the possibility and for him to have come up with this answer. As for STDs I have been gathering as much info as I can and am feeling more comfortable since knowledge is power. :-) Thanks again, y'all!

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...