His actions with the female make me uncomfortable...

Hi. My husband and I are new to the lifestyle. Before we decided to get into the lifestyle our talks were about him wanting to watch me with another woman. I told him that I wanted him to be honest with me because I know that now it is him watching me with another woman and then him wanting to join in and then full swap. He assured me that all he wanted to do was watch.

Well we found a married couple that we like. I am not sexually attracted to either of them, but I did kiss her and finger her. My husband just could not sit back and watch, he made out with her and even got a bj. Now it seems that watching me and her is out, he wants full swap. The other couple wants full swap also.

I am scared about the whole thing. My husband and the wife talk on the phone every day and then they chat all night all long on the messenger. When we see them, he becomes touchy and he is not a touchy person. They flirt constantly and they have even become jealous of other people. For instance, he was chatting with another girl on the messenger not flirting or anything, just talking and the wife got upset. Now the wife is going to meet some guy she knew in high school and says it is the one guy she always wanted to do, but never did. My husband got upset.

When I am around them, I feel like the 3rd wheel. I want him to have fun and want to tell him it is okay to have sex with her, but I am afraid of the feelings they may get after. Plus, I am not sure how I feel about them having sex. I asked him if it would be a one time thing or if he would want to do it again and he said he would want to do it again.

I know he really wants to have sex with her and I told him last weekend he could and he saw how upset I was, but he still ran to her. Nothing happened because they were not sure what to do, but I thought if he just did it and got it over with he would leave me alone about her.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

First, a big big

Second, it is not uncommon for the male half of a couple to be considerably more ready for swinging than the female half. I would recommend you do not take his readiness as anything other than normal.

What you should not accept, and your husband should never consider doing, is pressuring you into doing anything...anything...in swinging. You should feel yourself ready and wanting to do something. It is normal for you to have trepidations about doing something in the lifestyle. Do not mistake trepidations for not being ready or not wanting to do something. People usually have trepidations about ANYthing they are doing for the first time. You have to evaluate for yourself when you are ready. Your husband should not be evaluating for you or pressure you into accepting more than you are ready for.

In our couple, the basic ground rule is that we only do what we both agree on doing, and we're not going to take one for the team. If we both don't agree on doing something, it isn't going to happen. Period. That goes both ways, applies to both of us equally. Both of us can pull the plug at any time, for any reason. I'd suggest a similar rule for you and your husband.

To get your feet wet, you do not have to full swap. You can attend a swing club, or a meet and greet, and just meet people who are in the lifestyle. You'll rapidly find that we're not freaks just regular, average, every day people except we do not place limits on sexuality.

If you want to do more, but not full swap, then have same room sex with another couple, or soft swap, or various permutations thereof. You don't have to do anything you're not ready for. If anyone (your husband or anyone else for that matter) pressures you, the answer should be no.

Feel free to ask lots and lots and lots of questions here. The people here are very welcoming and receptive. We'll give you honest advice. Even if you think a question has been asked before, feel free to ask.

I am scared about the whole thing. My husband and the wife talk on the phone every day and then they chat all night all long on the messenger. When we see them, he becomes touchy and he is not a touchy person. They flirt constantly and they have even become jealous of other people. For instance, he was chatting with another girl on the messenger not flirting or anything, just talking and the wife got upset. Now the wife is going to meet some guy she knew in high school and says it is the one guy she always wanted to do, but never did. My husband got upset. When I am around them, I feel like the 3rd wheel.

These are some huge red flags, and I'm sure others will chime in and agree. One of our rules is that she gets the women's phone numbers and screen names, and he gets the guy's. This helps to avoid some problems. In your case it sounds like there is an emotional bond forming, which is not how this (swinging) is supposed to work. You should talk to your husband about your feelings, the fact that you're scared (and rightfully so), and tell him that you want to stop until you can both get all of this sorted out. The rules you established were clearly not firm enough, and that is something you need to re-visit before doing anything else. If he is not going to respect the rules you both set, this is not going to work out well. Good luck!

Hello jonelle514! -- Glad you found us!

Since you're new, there are some areas of the site you should be sure to check out:

• The "Curious About Swinging" sub-forum: Click Here

If you're looking for a specific topic or keyword, the site's Advanced Search function is very useful for finding information. To use it, look for the search box in the upper right of the screen.

If you have any questions, feel free to post them in the appropriate sub-forums. The community here is very knowledgeable and helpful with all aspects of the swinging lifestyle.

Once again,

thanks for the reply. I was worried that I would come off as the jealous wife. I have tried to talk to him and he knows how I feel, but it doesn't change the fact that he wants to have sex with her. He tells me that no special feelings are going to come out, but I feel like they are already forming. We had a rule of no kissing and he threw that out the window the first chance he got to make out with her. I know he loves me, but sometimes I feel that his desire to have sex with her make him do such stupid things. This is going to sound insane, but I would be more comfortable with him being with another woman if he didn't act like a highschool girl. I want everyone to be friends, I just don't want to feel like I am here to have sex with the husband so he can have sex with this girl. I don't even know if I want to take one for the team

I want everyone to be friends, I just don't want to feel like I am here to have sex with the husband so he can have sex with this girl. I don't even know if I want to take one for the team

You should never have to take one for the team if you're both on the same page. Make sure you come back to this thread later today once some of the others here have had a chance to comment on this. The advice given here is top-notch!

jonelle514 said:

 

This is going to sound insane, but I would be more comfortable with him being with another woman if he didn't act like a highschool girl...

It doesn't sound insane at all, maybe that's because I was thinking the very same thing...your husband is acting like a high school boy. This can happen to men or women when the swing bug bites them. It's like their brain flies out of their skull! It's funny, yet not so funny, and can be a sign of big problems if not dealt with immediately. He's got to come to his senses and you'll need to help him get there.

There are many problems with your scenario already: he wants you to continue playing with this couple and you have no interest in either of them after having your first experience with them. Right there this should be reason enough to stop seeing them. Neither of you should ever take one for the team when you swing. And the jealousy thing between your husband and this other woman, bad all the way around.

Right now your husband is not taking your concerns seriously. He needs to, and he needs to cool it with this woman while you two talk more about what your limits are, how you will mutually approach selecting couples, and all the other guidelines couples make when swinging.

Bring your husband here, to the Swingers Board, to read and learn about swinging. Together you can avoid problems and find a solution to handling your differences.

To be happy swingers you have to travel down the same road together, and right now you aren't.

Keep us posted.

to the Swinger's Board, Jonelle! I really hope this doesn't sound too brutal, but just some thoughts that came to mind when I was reading this. Please remember my opinions are just that -- Opinions.

What do you want out of this foursome?

You're taking one for the team, which is really a no-no. In fact, if my husband did something for me, even though he didn't want to, because I really wanted it, I'd feel horrible.

He does sound like he's in high school. I keep thinking it's that "Y" chromosome , but sometimes guys just lose their minds when they think about swinging. I think they want back those feelings of newness with a new person and tingles in their nether regions. Swinging between consenting spouses is about trust and respect between both spouses.

We keep our swinging life very simple. Swinging is sex. No feelings of love or jealousy toward the other couple. We don't make the other feel insignificant or like poop. We are out to have fun. My spouse is my number one person in my life and no swinging partner is ever going to change that. I can't imagine my life without him.

Bring him here and let him read about swinging. There is a plethora of information here and he could ask questions if he has any.

Huge, major, mega, astonishingly tall, mile high neon letters

*****STOP*****

There's not a single green flag on this one. Your husband

a) broke the rules, kissing her and getting a blow job from her.

b) is developing emotions for her; jealousy of her with others

c) isn't paying attention to your wants and needs

d) is, as others noted, acting like a high school boy

e) is becoming infatuated with her

f) is pressuring you into acceptance

No way. Absolutely not. Done. Over. Kaput. This girl is OUT of the picture.

Your husband should not be swinging until he learns to respect your rules and abide by them without kindness, courtesy and respect. He should be absolutely thankful that you'd be willing to swing and allow him to do so as well, and stop trying to pressure you into accepting something you're not ready for.

If your husband won't stop the association with her, I'd short circuit the situation and call her husband and tell him what's going on. The husband on the other end, if he's sane, will try to pull the plug too.

This situation is a HUGE mistake.

One way for your husband to look at this; if you both go into swinging together, happily experiencing everything together, it's likely he'll have multiple partners over the years you swing. Is he willing to sacrifice all of that future in exchange for one or more rolls in the hay with *one* person, for a very limited time? That's what he's doing. He's approaching this all wrong. You are being harmed, and that is NO way to operate in swinging.

STOP it, NOW. Immediately. It's over. Not swinging, but this relationship with the other woman. Step back from swinging, and spend time talking until you're BOTH ready to move ahead TOGETHER.

As I was reading your first post, Jonell, the red flags popped up like mad. My personal opinion is that you need to sit down with your husband and tell him you want to stop the whole thing - now.

Why do I say that? It's obvious that everything you said you didn't want to happen is exactly what's happening. You need to be firm, but not argumentative. He needs to understand that when the two of you agree on rules, those rules mean something. They're not to be thrown out just because a situation has presented itself. If the two of you set limits, those limits will be respected by BOTH of you. Let him know what you're thinking - that you didn't want to become a full-swap couple, that you aren't attracted to this woman, and you never wanted for him to have sex with her. If he gets upset about it, that's his problem - he seems to be fine with upsetting you about it. I'm not trying to get you two into an argument, but he needs to know that he's crossed the line by breaking the rules he agreed to.

Again, this is just my opinion, and it's probably not one you want to hear, but I think you both have a lot of work to do in your relationship in general. Based on what you've posted here, it appears that all he's done is manipulate you into allowing him to have sex with her. That's not what the lifestyle is about. There has to be complete openness, honesty, and trust in your relationship for even the slightest dabble in the lifestyle to work. Your post tells me that you don't have that, and so your first encounter was a bad one for you.

Again, it's just my opinion, but I think you need to back away from this other couple and focus on the two of you before you even think about dabbling in the lifestyle again. If you don't want anything to do with the lifestyle, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. He needs to understand that your relationship is the most important thing at stake here, and that the way he's going, he's putting it at risk. He really needs to decide whether or not he thinks a little bit of slap and tickle with this woman is worth damaging your relationship.

Again, I'm not trying to get the two of you into an argument. I do think, however, that the two of you need to get some things straight between you.

I wish you luck, no matter what you decide to do.

I want to be a swinger, I guess I had different expectations. I wanted to be with a female, then have same room sex and MAYBE a full swap. I wanted to ease into it.

When we talked about the experience with this couple I told him that I like to know what is going on. I want to be prepared for what is going to happen so I can process it and when he made out with her, jumped in when I was playing with her, got a bj from her and then was rubbing on her while she was having sex with her husband I was upset because it was something I wasn't prepared for. I was strictly under the impression that he didn't want anything to do with her sexually. I also told him that I felt like the asshole because my mood went south because of it. He said it was all the excitement and that he couldn't help himself.

I wouldn't want him to take one for the team for me, but I might do it for him. I just can't for her and I think it is because of the feelings that I think they have for each other. They both deny it, but I am not stupid. When we see them, they are glued at the hip. I even caught them cuddling on my couch when I came in from smoking. They said it was a joke for me and I asked how it could be a joke on me when I wasn't even in the room? I only came back in because I forgot my lighter so its not like they were expecting me to come back in so soon. I was not a happy camper and couldn't see why they had to hide it.

I kinda feel like I have to private eye, which makes me not enjoy anything. Her husband says he has no problem with what is going on.

I am hoping it is just because of the newness and not deeper feelings. I am not a prude, I just want to take things slow. I don't know what rules are the norm, but I think I am against kissing.

Honestly, I thought that their interactions with each other was the norm and I did start to think that I am not meant to be a swinger.

I am glad to have my feelings actually heard. I finally feel like I have a valid claim. When we first got on sls, I thought my biggest problem was going to be finding someone that would like us.

I also told him that I felt like the asshole because my mood went south because of it.

You should NEVER feel or be made to feel like the asshole because you do not feel good about a situation in swinging. All the more reason to stop a particular situation if that is the case.

He said it was all the excitement and that he couldn't help himself.

If he can't help himself in a particular situation, then he can't abide by the rules either. I would stop any swinging (at a minimum) until he's ready to agree to abide by the rules...PERIOD...regardless of how exciting something is.

I wouldn't want him to take one for the team for me, but I might do it for him.

I would not recommend taking one for the team. Bad idea.

I just can't for her and I think it is because of the feelings that I think they have for each other.

Everything you have said before and in this post make it blatantly apparent they have developed feelings for each other. Letting them have sex is just going to make this worse, not better. Put a stop to it. NOW. It ends now. Today.

Her husband says he has no problem with what is going on.

Some husbands don't have a problem with their wives developing significant emotions for their play mates. For my wife and I, the rule is that if emotions beyond friendship develop for any playmates, that playmate is out of the picture. Personally, I don't mind if my wife has sex a thousand times with a particular guy, so long as the only person she loves in a romantic sense is me.

I am hoping it is just because of the newness and not deeper feelings.

Newness can definitely play a strong part. New Relationship Euphoria can have a major impact on someone. "THIS is love! Not what I have!" and etc. It's a very potent emotion. It's also empty. In a few months, it vanishes. What matters is deep, enduring love. Your husband very well could be experiencing NRE and allowing it to color his every action.

The fact that he is lying to cover up his emotions is exceptionally, exceptionally troubling. The lack of being honest with himself is bad enough, but an understandable problem. Lying about it means he's aware of it and he chooses to ignore it, despite your wishes and feelings.

I am not a prude, I just want to take things slow.

Even not wanting to be a swinger doesn't make one a prude

I don't know what rules are the norm, but I think I am against kissing. Honestly, I thought that their interactions with each other was the norm and I did start to think that I am not meant to be a swinger.

Every couple has their own rule set. One virtually universal characteristic of swingers is that whatever the rules are they are followed. That's not happening here. What is happening here with your husband and this woman is, flatly, cheating right in front of you.

Your rule set, wanting to go slow, no kissing, is perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong with it. Even if your rules remain like that it is ok. They probably will evolve if your husband gets his head screwed on straight and starts treating you with respect and the two of you can healthily get into swinging.

I am glad to have my feelings actually heard. I finally feel like I have a valid claim.

You had a valid claim the moment you said "I don't feel good about this". Your spouse should be THE #1 person who supports your feelings. Even if I don't agree with my wife, I support her. She's my team.

When we first got on sls, I thought my biggest problem was going to be finding someone that would like us.

You're learning grasshopper, you're learning Finding someone that would like you isn't all that hard. There's ups and downs with the people you meet on SLS, but there's enough ups to easily find people you like and like you.

Hello jonelle514 and Welcome to the board!

I have a few questions for you if you don't mind

How long have you two known this couple and did you meet them through an ad site or at a local social?

From what I read of your post, it seems that this couple has a bit more experience than you and your husband...am I correct in this?

You say you want to be a swinger but you had different expectations...what were these expectations?

How long did you and your husband discuss swinging before deciding to jump in?

The answer to those questions will help me understand a bit more.

Now...STOP SWINGING! You and your husband are obviously NOT on the same page and until you both know EXACTLY what you BOTH expect and want out of swinging you should NOT be swinging.

There is no "norm" in swinging...swinging is what each couple and/or single makes it for themselves. If you are uncomfortable with the way things are going right now STOP. NO means NO is the one universal rule in swinging and it can be said at any point of any encounter and should be respected by all parties involved...including your husband.

It sounds to me that you two jumped in before you really knew what you were doing or what you really wanted. It's time to revisit any discussion you had before and make sure you both understand each other.

Please, bring your husband here and both of you TOGETHER read over as many post as you can, I promise you it will help you both understand swinging and yourselves a bit more.

After our first couple of swing experiences with one couple, I thought that she was getting way too intimate with my husband- phoning him up to get off while her husband was out, and texting him constantly. I didn't like it, I said "It stops here" (even though sex with him was WAY hot!!), and my dear husband said yes, of course, and we haven't been back in touch with them since.

That is how a swinging relationship succeeds. If he can't understand that, then yes, it is time to step back and figure out what's really important here.

He tells me that no special feelings are going to come out, but I feel like they are already forming.

I have a feeling you are right. You need to put a stop to all of this, to contact with this couple. You aren't interested in them and as you said if you continue with them you are taking one for the team. That's the first NO. The second NO is that he is going beyond your comfort zone with his communications with this girl.

HUGE RED FLAG is this jealousy/possessiveness that is developing between the two of them. Ask your husband to really think about how he would feel if the roles were reversed.

Sometimes men really need to be smacked upside the head with what is going on. Too often, we ladies are guilty of hinting at what is going on in our heads and thinking that we are communicating fully when we are not... or of expecting the men to read our minds and gather all the details (why not, they know what's going on too right?). They can't read minds, and they don't take hints. Be as straight forward with him as possible and lay out the details of what you see happening and how it makes you feel.

we met them online, at sls. That was about a month ago. They said they have only done oral with other couples and same room sex, never a full swap. They want a full swap with us. My expectations of swinging was to find a couple that we liked and to experience sex with them and maybe progress into a full swap, but we wanted to be friends with them. As in not have sex with them all the time, but be a one couple couple. I know that they want to be a one couple couple also. I am open to all ideas, I just want to take it slow. My husband has always wanted to see me with another woman, but we didn't start talking about swinging until a year ago and finally joined sls a few months ago.

I have talked to him again and he said that he only acts like he is jealous to make her feel good. He says that he does not have deep feelings for her, that it is the newness and she has never been with another guy since she got married so he wants to be her first. He thinks it is like taking someone's virginity. We did talk about rules and he says that he will abide by them.

I know you are probably feeling like you want to get things off your chest and talk to other people that understand but to save you some trouble you really don't need to give us any more background info. We all see the light and everyone is telling you this is a bad situation and you need to put the brakes on big time or everything is going to blow up in your face worse than what it already is.

At this point it really doesn't matter what he "SAYS". Actions speak way louder than words and he has already blown it many times over. This should have been nipped in the bud the first time you realized you were not sexually attracted to either one of them.

YOU ARE BEING MANIPULATED!!! You are being scammed. You are being browbeat into taking one for the team at best and being forced into watching your husband enter into an affair at worst.

He has already fucked it up and screwed the pooch. He has already made several mistakes. From now on everything that you do to allow this situation to go on, YOU are the one making the mistake!!!!

YOU are responsible for your own actions and even though your husband is being an ass, you are also responsible for what takes place within your marriage. These little kids are obviously not considerate enough of you or anyone else so it is time to take responsibility for yourself. GET OUT OF THIS MESS!!! Do whatever it takes to remove yourself from this situation!! Don't let this go on any longer.

Welcome! You have come to right place. Now the challenge is to get your husband here. Time to put your foot down and when you do you will find just how much your husband cares about your feelings. Whatever you do not do anything whatsoever that you are not comfortable with. It will lead to resentment and jealousy. IMO you are being to way passive about the whole thing. In time you will resent what is or may happen and you both will worse off for it. IMO swinging for couples goes hand in hand with mutual respect and mutual desires. It seems you are not getting that. Do it on your terms or don't do it at all. I think that is one of the most important things a couple must agree on before they start delving or dipping into the lifestyle. This may be harsh but sounds to me like your husband isn't "swinging". He just wants some strange and is already infatuated with other woman and she with him. Your second post, to me, verifies that. If he refuses or points the blame on you, you have some serious marriage problems to work out that go beyond swinging.

I'm curiuos, does he show you these all night chats?

Don't be doormat-even for your husband.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

My expectations of swinging was to find a couple that we liked and to experience sex with them and maybe progress into a full swap, but we wanted to be friends with them. As in not have sex with them all the time, but be a one couple couple. I know that they want to be a one couple couple also.

Please realize that you are not joining a country club; you are here to fulfill sexual fantasies. Your expectation of being friends first probably will keep you from ever getting to the sexual stage. We have seen couples "courting" another couple for months, and it just doesn't get to the sex stage, then it dies anyway. I could elaborate further but hope you get the point that you are here to find someone besides your husband sexually interesting to explore further. Since you have no interest in this other couple, then it should be another. Your husband is being a selfish ass and as Lovinher said....

Welcome! You have come to right place. Now the challenge is to get your husband here.

Your husband should definitely come here for a proper swinging education. Swinging ought to go at the slowest persons pace. Right now that would be you.

I have talked to him again and he said that he only acts like he is jealous to make her feel good. He says that he does not have deep feelings for her, that it is the newness and she has never been with another guy since she got married so he wants to be her first. He thinks it is like taking someone's virginity. We did talk about rules and he says that he will abide by them.

My BS meter is still pegging 9.9 on this one.

Reality; his jealous feelings are making you feel rotten. What's more important? Her feeling good or you feeling good?

Bottom line; you're not attracted to either person in this couple. They aren't the one couple you are going to be one couple couple with, period. Therefore, regardless of your husband's behavior, this is over. It doesn't matter what he says, does, thinks, feels, or behaves. It's over. Done. Kaput.

Look, you don't NEED this couple. I just did a search on SLS using 32514 as the zip code. I restricted the search to age 21 to 39, active within the last two weeks on SLS, and within 20 miles of 32514. The search came back with 323 matches. I'm very sure there's another couple out there that is willing to be a one couple couple, willing to go at whatever the slowest pace is, and not have the problems of emotional attachments beyond friendship getting in the way.

Everybody here is telling you the same thing. DROP this couple. NOW. Get more assertive with your husband and insist he cut it off cold turkey, and that the two of you need to step back and make darn certain what the rules are and they will NEVER be broken again. He should count his lucky stars he has a wife who is willing and happy to swing. If he thinks the only possible person he could ever have swinging sex with is this other woman, he's deluding himself, being dishonest with himself and probably with you. Well, he's already been dishonest with you anyways.

For what it's worth, my wife and I have a rule of no cuddling when not engaged in play with a playmate. It's intimate, reserved for us. The closest I ever got to actually cuddling another playmate was holding her, and lightly playing with her while both of us were intentionally watching our spouses enjoy each other. That lasted all of a few minutes before we had to return to our own activities I get so turned on by watching my wife with someone else... But anyways, cuddling is right out. Your husband cuddling with the other woman when he didn't expect you to come back in so soon was flat, utterly, completely wrong. He was cheating on you, and trying to cover it up by saying it was a joke was a blatant lie. That he's acting jealous to make this other woman feel good strikes me similarly as a lie.

I STRONGLY agree with IAPR here. Fool you once, shame on him. Fool you twice, shame on you. You know what the score is. You know what the deal is. Don't play the fool. Put an end to this immediately. If your husband can't cut it off with someone you are not comfortable with, then he has no business swinging at all. That's another rule my wife and I have; if either of us says it has to stop with X person/couple, it stops with X person/couple. Period. No trying to convince, no trying to pressure, no trying to get one more opportunity to have sex with X person/couple, nothing. The most we might do is sit down and talk about why it needs to stop, to help understand what is happening to prevent it from happening in the future with new people. No means no. It's not negotiable.

If this affair is allowed to continue it will only get worse. Your radar is strongly telling you there are emotions developing here, and many people here agree with that. Once he starts having sex with her (and worse when it's on a regular basis) this is going to become far, far worse.

Mind, we've only been talking about you and your husband. The other woman certainly knows what is going on and is being utterly disrespectful of you and your marriage. That's a huge red flag in and of itself. If she can't respect you and your marriage, she has no business fucking your husband. She's intentionally screwing with your marriage. For my wife and I, if another couple or single is not willing to respect our marriage, there's no way in heck they get to play with either of us. Our marriage comes first, period. We're in swinging because we have an amazing marriage. We're not in swinging to screw that up. We are in no way fearful of anyone screwing our marriage up, but we are vigilant to keep away people who do not respect our marriage.

STOP this affair. Now. I can't over emphasize this. The house is burning in front of your eyes.

After reading the others replies, we agree for the most part with the advice being given. IMHO, you should pause, create new rules that you're both comfortable with, and most importantly -- FIND A NEW COUPLE TO PLAY WITH. Let this couple go. You need a fresh start. Regarding the new rules, write them down! There should be no question as to what should or should not happen. Try to think about all aspects and angles of a lifestyle encounter. As you go you'll both want to modify the rules. This is fine as long as you both agree to the changes and communicate about everything. Good luck!

I have talked to him again and he said that he only acts like he is jealous to make her feel good. He says that he does not have deep feelings for her, that it is the newness and she has never been with another guy since she got married so he wants to be her first. He thinks it is like taking someone's virginity. We did talk about rules and he says that he will abide by them.

Jonelle, What do you not like about each person in this couple ?

Do you feel like if you dont go along with all this, you wont be.....accepted ?

Just a feeling

I want to add in that I think I understand what you are feeling. When we got our first chance to play with someone else we did it and ignored some of the warning signs. It took us months to get to the point where we are over that. It very nearly ended the relationship and/or our interest in swinging. I agree with everyone else on here. You have to do what you agreed on and you have to both want this. I know it seems like this is your only option now, but trust me that it is better to let it go than to try to repair your relationship afterwards. You will get another chance, but let it be when you both feel the same way about the couple, you have agreed on rules and you trust each other to follow them.

The only question I have after reading this thread...what does the other lady's husband think of all this?!

Where there's smoke, there's fire, and if you feel uncomfortable with his actions with this woman, there's a dang good reason. I think you're being played like a DVD, and your husband is running rough-shod over your feeling and boundaries. You really need to sit him down and tell him exactly how serious this is. And, you need to stop seeing this couple, or any other couple for that matter, until you can agree how you'll procede with swinging. Do not deny your gut--it typically is correct.

Now, this is good advice:

IMHO, you should pause, create new rules that you're both comfortable with, and most importantly -- FIND A NEW COUPLE TO PLAY WITH. Let this couple go. You need a fresh start.

Trust me, they're not the only couple in Pensacola....not by a long shot!

Pepper

Jonelle,

First let us join in welcoming you to the board.

Second, let me tell you that you should put a stop to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. I didn't learn that when I was younger, but now if either of us feel uncomfortable with a situtation then we stop what is happening.

What happened to me (Mr. VANudist) is that I felt uneasy with the way my former wife acted around one of our first swing experiences. I took one for the team and let her have her way. Long story short we ended up going our separate ways and I am actually glad we did because I would not have met the current wife.

Third, we do enjoy the lifestyle, but we take it at our own pace. Good luck to you.

We have been active in the lifestyle for about a year and a half. During my introduction my husband (who had prior experience) was nothing but respectful and considerate of my feelings and let my timing lead the way. We have clear boundries and he has never crossed them. We meet lots of people, always for a casual meet first and we are friends with several. There is no pressure, no rushing and certainly no taking one for the team.

If you husband isn't willing to play by the rules then you both need to take a huge step back and get on the same page. Really on the same page. And the two of you need to start talking about how you feel, my guess is he doesn't know. Don't worry about sounding like a jealous wife. They are your feelings and whatever they are they are valid.

Ok, other than say you are getting great advice which you should follow I can only add my point of view. By definition breaking the rules is cheating. He needs to understand that, and so do you. Take a break, take the advice, its time to reboot with someone new. Good luck

If he is waiting for u to leave to room to do anything, that is a red flag, too. If he waited til you weren't there, then he knows you would not approve if he did it in front of you. Long story short; he's being sneaky and that is NEVER a good sign. We've been in the lifestyle about two years, and I have seen behavior like this screw couples up right away. Couples where either half acts this way never last long in the lifestyle. He needs to change his attitude. This is about sex and fun for BOTH of you, not a backdoor route for him to get a "girlfriend." Also, when you go in with rules, you DON'T change them on the fly unless the two of you halt the action, go off together and discuss it in private, then abide by whatever is decided MUTUALLY. We have given newbie couples open permission, that if at any time they need to go talk to each other about the next step, or something that might be making them uncomfortable, etc... to go ahead and talk to each other (we won't run away). That was something our swinging mentor couple taught us. But one of the top five rules in swinging (after all the ones about open, honest communication, not keeping secrets from each other, etc..) is that you NEVER take one for the team. It's a cardinal sin of swinging.

jonelle514 said:

Hi, we are pretty new to lifestyle. We have been married 11 years and have two kids. We currently live in FL. I am 30 and he is 33. So far we are still trying to get our feet wet. I am still a little hesitant in doing a full swap, but he is all for it. I do feel that if I give him the okay to do it that I will be taking one for the team, plus his actions with the female make me uncomfortable. I look forward to getting to know people on this site as I have a million questions LOL.

I am the m half here and NOW I can understand how you feel.

I am the one that came up with the idea of swinging (or so I think) and I know we jumped head first and were totally uninformed about what is out there and what can happen.

So far we only had one full swap experience and two experiences in total and they were both bad.

On our first experience we both took one for the team and now know better.

Don't know about you, but I am in the swinging scene for my wife's enjoyment, otherwise I'd have an affair.

If your man is disregarding your feelings then he's looking for a license to cheat...

We just ordered almost $300 worth of literature on swinging and after reading "Recreational Sex" and "Together Sex" we decided to keep swinging but be extremely selective. It is a team sport and all parties involved should enjoy it.

Jonelle: You have gotten a lot of good advice. You might have noticed, everyone here is saying the same things. Take a step back, never take one for the team, and never let anything interfere in your marriage! If he could not control himself in the heat of the moment, BULLSHIT, that is no different than the cheater saying, "The alcohol made me do it." Cut this couple out of your lives and move on. Before you proceed with swinging sit down and talk to hubby. Tell him exactly how you felt, how you do feel and what you expect from him and swinging. If he does not respect that or comply with the rules that you two agree on, stop, for good.

We haven't seen her on this thread for nearly a month now. I am quite curious what has transpired.

Jonelle,

We have met a lot of guys with sneaky and aggressive behaviour in the lifestyle and it's a shame. Men that cannot control themself should not be in the lifestyle. Just like anything else..if you can't control your drinking..then you shouldn't be drinking should you?? We have been in many situations where the guys just won't let the girls have fun without touching. I always wondered how their wife felt because with us...it made me worry about my wife and his wife.

I have the opposite problem..I am so respectful that girls don't think I am into them and I'm so open and honest with my wife about sex and fantasies that she has the same insecurity issues. She actually worries about me developing feelings and losing me even if I'm just telling her a fantasy. We are just programmed differently I guess and she constantly needs reassurance.

FYI, Guys think with their penis and maybe his is bigger than mine if he can't control it, LOL but what he is saying about not developing feelings or anything special is really true if he is being honest and loves you. My first problem with him is that if he can't control himself and lied about that..that is a red flag.

My wife doesn't like hearing this but I have to say..."When I am able to share everything with my wife spiritually, emotionally, and sexually it brings me even closer to her and I fall even more deeply in love". This doesn't mean I have to fuck or play with anyone. Just the pure thought of my wife wanting to please me sexually and fulfill my fantasies blows my mind and makes me want to worship her!

Our problem is....what brings me closer to her can make her sad because she thinks she isn't enough.... It isn't true and maybe other girls feel this way but I know where my heart is and I love my wife. I want to grow old with her and she is the only one I want to share my fantasies with.

What I have realized in the lifestyle is that I was selfish before...I'm not the only one who can please my wife and make her feel good. I understand and actually enjoy seeing her happy regardless if it was me or someone else that made her day! I remember the days when someone would just give her a compliment and I got jealous...now...if someone compliments her and she smiles...I love to see the smile on her face and damn proud she is mine! I feel the same when I see her having sex

On the other hand, I wish she felt the same in return about me but she has not reached that level. She cannot think of me having a good time without her or with someone else. So I don't do much with girls unless she is OK with it. One day she might, but we are definitely programmed differently.