Getting husband interested in swinging

Hello,

Glad to find this site last year, just got enough nerve to post though. So, I do have a lot of questions. But the most important is:

I have seen a lot of posts on how to get the women interested in the lifestyle but what about the men side. We have been together 7 years (married 5) and our sex life has gotten a lot better, but I am still "curious". I think the lifestyle would be a lot of fun.

Our 7 yrs ann was the 17th and I wanted to surprise him with a FMF threesome adventure but never got the guts to do it. The mistake I made was talking to his best bud about how to do this, he said he knew a women that would be interested in doing it. Well needless to say, the friend got drunk and blurted it out to my hubby and he got upset.:slam" Well I explained that I decided not to go through with it. So I'm not sure if hes upset that I talked to his bud about it or the whole adventure part or the fact that it was a "secret" so I decided not to bring it up again, fearing he would get mad. HELP

So, I know you cant coax a person to do this, but any advice on how to approach him about this. I would love to see him with another women, and sure I would be interested in being with another man. I guess it almost seems like he would be jealous about this. And I know this is a REAL NO NO But should I have to give up on this fantasy because hes not interested. Marriage comes first, so I need advice. Thanks for everything...

I feel your pain!

I'm on the other side of the coin in that my wife has done one MFM and we have had open sex at Hedonism II several times including when she has started it BUT she will not jump into the lifestyle with both feet.

My humble suggestion is this as you have quoted us in that "Marrage comes first" TALK and TALK and TALK. If he is not willing, table it for a while and bring it up later. I would not (Based on his first reaction) spring it on him.

Hi Curiousinil,

I moved your post down to New Swingers where you are likely to get more responses to your heartfelt question than you would in the Intros.

In my mind it comes down to one thing, you won't be able to "convince"him to swing until you can actually talk to him about it. You pretty much have to bring it up at some point. Had you guys ever talked about a FMF experience prior to your attempted surprise? What made you decide to attempt that?

well, i am turned on by 2 females doing it and weve joked about me being with another women. I guess you could say im bi-curious but sort of scared to actually attempt it. I like to please hubby and thought this would be a great surprise. he said its my fantasy, but hey, what guy wouldnt want a fmf!! before "me and him" i know he had this experience but i have never had the chance. and wouldnt think of it without him, but its still in my mind to try it. i want to approach him about it, but dont want him to think i want this just so i can be with another man. what to say and how to say it it extremely important!! any advice??

If he says it's YOUR fantasy then most likely it is YOUR fantasy. I do know a few guys who could care less about seeing two women together.... and most men who do want a FMF threesome, want one in which they are the center of attention. THis is not going to happen in a situation where you are hoping to explore your bi side for the first time.

From experience, I made this mistake one Valentines day... setting up a FMF threesome and as things went it ended up being more me and her than a threesome. Needless to say he was rather dissapointed.

If you want to explore your biside then you need to talk to him about THAT and work out a way to do so whether he is to be there or not is up to him. But don't try to set up a FMF threesome in hopes of exploring your bicuriousity and try to make it out to be a present for him. It would be like him getting you a set of tools for your birthday....

I think the first question to be answered is finding out why your husband's mad. If he's mad because the secret idea got out, or whether he's mad at the whole notion.

If he's mad the secret got out, then maybe the door's still open to trying this. If he's just mad at the whole notion, then it sounds like a no go.

I'd talk to him and find out for certain why he's mad. then go from there.

I agree with CowboyBob, you need to find out the reason your husband is mad. Your husband may be open to idea of a fmf threesome, but doesn’t want his friends to know what goes on in his sex life. There may be some jealousy involved he may not like the idea of sharing you with anyone (guy or girl). There could be a number of reasons why he is upset.

I think there are a lot of men that are intimidated by their wife’s sexuality, especially if they haven’t been married that long.

It’s never a good idea to surprise a husband or wife with a third person. This is something you need to discuss openly with him to make sure it’s something he is comfortable with, not just as a fantasy. It may take some time for him to feel secure with the idea, just take your time. If he agrees to have a threesome, you may want to leave his buddies out of it.

My wife has expressed she wants to experience a mfm threesome someday, but I know if I tried to plan something without her knowing and told one of her girl friends, she would be pissed.

You might tell him you only wanted to share a sexual adventure with him and may have gone about it the wrong way. He needs to understand that you would never play without him. Try to found out what his fantasies are and try to start there.

That’s my $.02, what ever that’s worth.

I guess that would be two cents.

I’ll just send you a bill.

Good Luck!!!

I really appreciate all the advice. I guess were the type that doesnt really talk about fantsies and what we want because were afraid of what the other would say. If I tell him that I could be interested in this, Im afraid it would lead him to believe hes not good or not satisfying me. Hes never told me any deep fatasies either. I know TALK TALK TALK, its hard when you have kids banging on the door.

Were going to see Larry The Cable Guy on Monday night, so I am hoping to at least put an idea out there of what I want. I dont want to just blurt it out, so I am feeling nervous. U think after 7 years I could tell him anything, but hes so self consious I guess its our age. Im 22 and hes 31. I would appreciate any comments or advice on how to approach the subject so he doesnt get the idea that I am not happy with our sex life. Because it is good, just it would be a different atmosphere. Hes into having sex in public the fear of getting caught, so why wouldnt he get into this lifestyle? HELP Its great to know that there are people out there who can help in situations like this. I will certainly let you know how it goes, if i dont chicken out that is.......

Focus on his fantasies for awhile to let him know its a mutual benefits lifestyle. He like's sex in public, play around with it - maybe having sex in the same room with another couple. Focus for awhile on unearthing his fantasies then maybe he'll accept or hopefully embrace yours. Would he go to a strip club with you?

If you guys are having that much trouble talking about basic things and have this much fear of upsetting the other one with what you say, you may want to consider some marriage counseling first to help you with these issues.

First and foremost, the most important thing in pursuing the "swinging lifestyle is communication. Lack of communication causes more damage to marriages than anything else, far and away. Your man is a lucky guy. Almost overwhelmingly its the guy who is initiating the lifestyle and the woman is apprehensive at first. In reading your posts two things jump right out. You are finding it difficult to talk about it (hence, maybe why you tried the surprise route), and that is probably due to your youthful age, and second, you seem primarily motivated at exploring swinging when it seems quite possible that what you really want to explore is your latent bi-sexuality. Understand that there is nothing wrong with having the feelings that you are having. Are you absolutely sure that wanting to see him with another woman is not just a justification you have created in your mind to bring about the FMF, or like the other post said, a FF with M on the side? My suggestion is get real clear about what you want or want to explore, then come right out and tell him over a glass of wine after the kids are asleep. His reactions, good or bad, belong to him, so don't let that stop you and don't take responsiblity for how he reacts. If he really loves you, he will listen if you are honest.

Love, R&D

Try starting with another guy.

Your relationship isn't strong enough to handle this yet IMO. If you can't talk you should not be considering this at all. Also mixing the lifestyle with the vanilla world isn't a great plan. I would be pissed too in his situation even if I wanted you to.

One thought if you can't talk, how about writing a letter and handing it to him when he is in a good mood. Before you ask him to read it say please read this all the way through without stopping and let me know what you think. Then lay it all out to him without fear of making him mad. Tell him what you told us. Then if he says no respect that decision and either drop it or figure out if you still want to be with him if it doesn't happen.

I would just higher 2 really hot escorts and have them waiting in his bed naked when he gets home.I cant see how he could refuse.I think the only resistance your husband would have is you with other guys.But he could get used to it.Once hes at work with those 2 ladies from before join in with the fun.That way he will be more comfortable with more than one person.I dont know about your hubby but its always been a dream of mine to have mfff lol