Body Image issues stopping us in our tracks

Hi,

My wife and I seem to be stuck in a holding pattern on our journey to our first swinging experience. We've talked heaps, researched, even met face to face with another couple at the same stage as us. I however have seen some red flags which show me we're not ready yet. I believe in the 'move at the pace of the slowest person' advice and we are following that.

I am coming to the conclusion the issue is this:

My wife and I are comfortable with different things. I believe this comes down to a question of self body image for my wife. I want to put some tasteful photos of us in underwear (without face shots) on the website we've joined to meet others. My wife is not comfortable with others seeing us on the web. Its not open to the public but just people you choose. I am comfortable with the idea of soft swap as an easy start but my wife is more comfortable with the idea of separate rooms right from the word go.

We've talked this through and my wife is not really comfortable with others seeing her. She shares the same passion as me for the concept of swinging but she's not comfortable with others seeing. We both were brought up with sex being an awkward topic and the journey to this point has seen a revolution is our sexual communication which we are so grateful for. We have a very strong relationship.

This also halts me in my tracks because as keen as I am my relationship comes first. If you can't let other's see you, should you even be considering swinging? If you can't share your image should you share your body?

Interestingly, even though my wife would enjoy another guy, what thrills her most is the thought of seeing me with another woman. I guess its the same for me. I would enjoy seeing her more. We have kids and live in a regional area where there are no clubs to have an easy voyeuristic start.

I am interested in other view points in case I am on the wrong track.

Any ideas?

I believe this comes down to a question of self body image for my wife. I want to put some tasteful photos of us in underwear (without face shots) on the website we've joined to meet others. My wife is not comfortable with others seeing us on the web. Its not open to the public but just people you choose. I am comfortable with the idea of soft swap as an easy start but my wife is more comfortable with the idea of separate rooms right from the word go.

Has she told you the exact reason(s) why she is uncomfortable about putting pictures on the internet of the both of in underwear with no face shots? It's a good way to let other couples know upfront of your body types and if there are any turn ons/offs. And since your faces will not be in them, no one will be able to connect you with them (unless you have something very unique looking in the background that links you to it.) Is she afraid of others collecting those pictures, body image issues, or something else?

Has she given you reasons why she feels more comfortable with separate rooms versus same room? Have you shared your reasons for preferring same room with her?

We've talked this through and my wife is not really comfortable with others seeing her. She shares the same passion as me for the concept of swinging but she's not comfortable with others seeing.

Has your wife researched this forum for body image issues? If not, I highly recommend that she does. She'll see that many other women have doubts and insecurities about their body just like her. She read how many of us fear that our lumps, bumps, tiger stripes (stretch marks), scars, moles, big butts, small breasts, rolls, etc. will turn men off or that no one will be interested. I certainly felt that exact way before we started swinging. If there are any swinger parties or meet and greets in your area, I highly recommend that you two attend one just to see how women of all ages, shapes, and sizes are in attendance. You don't have to play. You don't have to kiss or flirt. Just go, observe, and talk with couples for the social aspect and maybe for any advice they might have to offer. Although the clubs where we are located aren't very appealing to us, that's where we started. I was able to see with my own eyes the naturalness of other women. They aren't airbrushed. They aren't photo-shopped. They were women in all their glorious "flaws". Perhaps she will even get some compliments and offers that will help ease her worries and doubts.

I completely understand her concerns with body image. I have gained a lot of weight over the years and I would feel so self-conscious I don't think I would have any fun. My sexy has gone missing and although I'm in the process of finding it again, it'll be a while before I get back to that place where I preen in front of mirrors instead of avoiding them altogether. So for me, all the compliments in the world are not going to help me if I can't see it for myself in the mirror. Way back when, if you didn't think I was the cat's ass, well then...that was your loss, not mine. I'm not nearly as balanced any more, and I've just chosen to not drag my bad attitude into a club and drag down the mood, because I know myself: I would find myself apologizing for the way I am, and that's not fun. Some folks, however, would be completely comfortable with a body type like mine. It's a very individual thing.

This boils down to being comfortable in your own skin. I won't lie, although you don't need to look like a Barbie doll, you do need to make the most of what you've got. Remember dating? Going that extra mile to doll yourself up for a night out? Yeah, that. People who not only take pride in their appearance, but do everything they can to lead balanced healthy lives are attractive to others. What I'm saying is, forget what everyone else thinks; love and respect yourself, be the best, most authentic you that you can be, and believe it when you're told you're beautiful. We're all a work in progress, and we come in all shapes, sizes and colours. Everyone has a preferred type and there are those out there who prefer your type to any other, so don't sweat it.

If there are any swinger parties or meet and greets in your area, I highly recommend that you two attend one just to see how women of all ages, shapes, and sizes are in attendance. You don't have to play. You don't have to kiss or flirt. Just go, observe, and talk with couples for the social aspect and maybe for any advice they might have to offer.

OP.... I'm new to this lifestyle. I don't think I can help. But I think that's a very good advice.

Hi,

 

I want to put some tasteful photos of us in underwear (without face shots) on the website we've joined to meet others. My wife is not comfortable with others seeing us on the web. ... If you can't let other's see you, should you even be considering swinging? If you can't share your image should you share your body?

 

...I would enjoy seeing her more. ?

On the photo point, post pictures of you both in bathing suits. People see you in them at the beach and the pool. Your best experience is going to be with someone that is attracted to what you are, not what they think you might look like. I always prefer meeting someone that looks better than their photos, not the other way around.

On the separate room, same room, finding a couple issue, and considering your comment about enjoying the thought of seeing her, have you considered an MMF? Several advantages here:

1) much, much, much easier to find a single male than a couple. (Did I mention it's much easier to find a single male?)

2) there is no concern of her being compared to another woman. If she wants to do separate room because of a body image issue, she still needs to be seen by the other guy, and you have already seen her body and love it! Win win!

3) an MFM is a lot about her. She is the center of attention, not of one man, but two. What a great ego boost to be desired by two people at once!

4) it makes a good easy introduction into swinging.

5) much easier to schedule a meet up with one person than two.

6) it forces you to think selflessly if this is really what you want to do. It is easy to convince yourself you want to swing because of your payoff. In my opinion, the right reason to swing is because you want the payoff for your spouse, your spouse wants it for you, and you can have a lot of your own fun on the journey. I think some people get too focused on what they want, then have difficultly dealing with their partner having fun.

My point being, if you think you are really at that point of being able to see your wife with someone else, why not start there? Fun for you, fun for her, a great ego boost for her, easier to set up, no body competition from other women, and a good way for you to figure out if this swinging this is really for you.

We have no pictures posted on our site (AFF). I refuse. You only have to look at the millions of credit card numbers stolen by hackers to realize that less secure sites are horribly vulnerable. I can also tell you that early in my internet life I used to spend nights hacking adult sites for pics that we posted in a group for entertainment and to see who could get the most.

We just supply pics G rated and only when we've determined we're interested in meeting. You don't need to pose in your underwear and you don't need to have them on the site so if your wife is uncomfortable I would just go along with her. Most people understand you have the necessary body parts and it's not like we sit there with a magnifying glass and inspect everything to make sure it's perfect. We all have tire tracks from life experiences and I'm sure not going to worry about someone elses if they're not worrying about mine.

When you read the advice about only going as slow as the slowest partner this is one of those issues it applies to. Respect her wishes.

I may be in the minority, but I don't believe it's possible to have tasteful, flattering underwear photos. However, if you're searching for couples online, I do think G-rated photos of some kind are necessary, if not as a front end sorting tool then certainly before a first meeting.

What does your wife say about her body image issues and does she have any idea how she'll navigate them as part of swinging? I think both of those questions are pretty crucial.

Hi, thanks for all the replies. We got some good different points of view there and I feel we got something from them all. My wife read all of them and it's helped her make sense of her feelings. We appreciate the personal info others have shared. I can see the sense in the MFM being easier due to the pure reduction in numbers. I personally would think k that great but my wife thinks fmf!

My wife wants to work on being more comfortable with herself. I will just be content with that and see how we travel.

Thanks

Mr & Mrs X

XploreFun, how is your wife doing concerning her own body image?

I have had a hard time being accepted in school and even on the dating scene sometimes. I am 5'8' and 262lbs (honestly). That doesn't always appeal to everybody, but that doesn't matter one thing you will learn is you could be Angelina Jolie or Scarlett Johanssen, but those types are not for everybody....there are men out there that appreciate sexy in ALL shapes and sizes and THAT my friend is all that matters.

If you are in New York and your goal is to be in Los Angeles and you want to wife to be there with you, is it important whether you drive the north root versus the south route or merely that she is there with you?

Some men prefer women who HAVE curves instead of the stick women that seem to be popular in today's society. Every one of us (last time I asked her, even Angelina Jolie agreed) have 'flaws' of some sort or another. But it is also those 'flaws' that make us unique...and while something we may call a flaw is something that someone thinks is incredibly attractive. On another similar thread I told how in our last visit to Desires there was a woman who was at least 300 pounds there...naked as a jailbird. But she owned it and was comfortable in her own skin. I remember thinking 'you go girl!'. Beauty fades but sexy comes from within...

I agree...we need an update...

would put head shots since some of these sites dont let you edit pics

would put head shots since some of these sites dont let you edit pics

Would you please elaborate. I see no relationship with a "head shot" and any perceived inability to edit a picture.

My wife, after two beautiful children, has gained some weight...I personally still see her as totally sexy, awesome, and feminine...however while as someone else said no matter the number of compliments she is a bit self-conscious about her 'appearance' leaving us our limited collection of playmates and even then with the lights at minimum dim. Hell there are times that she will NOT change clothes, be naked at any cause or reason, in front of me and while I respect her emotional and mental reasoning it actually hurts my feelings that she feels that way. I'll try to quickly explain: When she hits that 'mood' it hurts me because it makes her feel so horrible and for me to be so deeply and totally in love with her it kinda gives the illusion that that love has weakened in it's power.

As for the OP's wife deciding she'd rather have separate rooms I totally get it. I was a bit uncomfortable the first time someone/others watched me have sex and that first orgasm while awesome was a bit awkward...we guys tend to really have some funny looks when in the throws of orgasm...so my first wife and I had the separate room deal. It wasn't until we both decided (with everyone's consent) to video our separate events to watch at a none sexual time just to see. That, at least for us, seemed to be the tipping point for us to same room swapping. Watching each other was a huge major turn on for both of us! The current wife says she wouldn't let me be ALONE with another woman as she feels being 'apart' is more akin to cheating. And for me I want to watch her with another man/men!!! She's so sexy...yes even with the extra weight...when she is going at it! Besides being a bi man I love being able to go down on her just as soon as he finishes in/on her!!!!

Just my two cents...hope something helps...best of luck!!!

Hi,

I noticed a request for an update.

Well, in a practical sense things haven't move forward but in a shared understanding sense they have. The body image issue still exists but it was overtaken by an overall question on whether this lifestyle was a good idea for us. We realised that we were moving at different paces. We were both quite excited by the prospects of it all but when push came to shove we were kind of on the fence. This was compounded by other events like work getting really busy and the other couple we were chatting with temporarily moving away. All that sounds quite negative but it isn't really. We decided to focus more on our own relationship first and remain open to it progressing from there. We have yet to explore more together and through that I believe we can also address our fears such as body image.

We've obtained all the brilliant communication that came with sharing our wildest fantasies. Than in itself is an amazing addition to our relationship. I also think that its more than possible that we could progress to sharing ourselves with others but I don't crave it as I did. If it happens it will be because it all clicks into place. If I had to bet I would say its likely to happen because we both feel its something we would like to try but not just yet. Incidentally we have started socialising with the other couple before who are more or less at the same stage as us. So who knows.

I guess we are playing with our fantasies with the knowledge that more awaits if we think its right.

All up a much healthier approach for us I think.

Xplore, thank you so much for your update! I think we all agree here that the pace you two decide upon and that works for you is the best one. I hope you can continue to keep us updated in the future!

We second that...

the advice I gave my wife re this is; "pitch to your fans".

She too had body image issues when we started looking for guys for MFM in Hotwifing. I knew she'd have no problem getting hits on sights like SLS and Ashley Madison. She's voluptuous and curvy, like a J-Lo wanna-be. Luscious and juicy.

Told her straight up, you're not going to get contacted by guys who like skinny women. However, I said you'll have plenty of fans. When we got the profiles up and active, with pics, it was a freakin' cock swarm. Then, and only then, did she get it.

Her body image issues are not gone by any means. BUT, they are much less than before. So, pitch to your strengths. Got nice hair? accentuate that in the pics. Got great legs? you get the idea.

I believe in the 'move at the pace of the slowest person' advice and we are following that.

I love this philosophy. it's perfect. simple, but perfect. it was sorely lacking in the last community I was involved with.